I’m ready to share this on my social media but honestly a little nervous about the backlash.

Can I get some honest feedback?

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Unpopular opinion: modest is not hottest

If you grew up in a controlling religion in the 90s or early 2000s, you may have heard this phrase before: modest is hottest.

If you never heard this phrase, you are in for a wild ride.

Watch 30 seconds of this women-shaming video and you’ll understand the culture I was raised in: https://youtu.be/jeiVw1X_-Lc?si=PdKwOFAw2QDTEj_D

So much cringe. I honestly can’t decide which is worst: -the entire video shames women for tattoos and clothing choices, explicitly saying they aren’t worthy of marriage -an adult thought this was worth sharing -these boys wrote and practiced this -their local church agreed so much (taught them this) that they put their name on the video and thought nothing wrong of it

Modest isn’t hottest.

Well yes, it actually is the hottest. Cover up your entire body in the summer and you might be uncomfortable. There might be health risks. You might pass out.

I know from experience.

I will never forget. I was about 5 months pregnant. I would break out in unbearable sweats any time of day. It was completely unpredictable, except that it happened a lot.

I was adamant that I was going to stay modest. I was going to keep gods commandments. I was not going to show my shoulders or wear shorts or dresses that went above my knees.

I lived in fear of living immodest. Only a few years earlier, I watched as local women in my congregation struggled with heat flashes menopause. It was expected of them to maintain their modesty through these medical health conditions. As a nurse, it bothered me. This did not seem safe. They were miserable.

So I followed their example and I struggled too. I drank plenty of water, I still got hot, sweaty and dizzy. More than a few times, I had to lay down, elevate my feet and cool off.

My husband had no problem expressing his frustration with me. I needed to wear less clothing. Who was I to risk our unborn child’s wellbeing? Who cares if my shoulders are showing? His number one concern was my safety and our unborn child’s safety.

I wouldn’t say it out loud at the time, but I perceived the situation very differently. I was staying modest but God was not blessing me for this choice. It felt like God was testing me and punishing me. How could I keep his commandments and protect my unborn child at the same time?

Why would a loving God do this to me?

Like Eve, I was forced to make a decision between two choices that contradicted each other. It wasn’t possible for me to honor God without risking my health. I had to make a choice. And after I was forced to see a cardiologist due to my symptoms, I gave up on the modesty.

I wore sleeveless tops. I wore shorter dresses.

And the hot flashes were less often and a lot more tolerable. And yet I was conflicted again.

I wasn’t hustling downtown but I was wearing immodest clothing. And it was such a moral issue for me.

Please take a moment and think about that.

My religious programming was “modest is hottest”. I made covenants that I would not bare my shoulders or wear clothing shorter than my knee.

Yet I had to do these things to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

And, as a fully grown adult, I felt guilt and shame about this.

I felt unworthy. I was shamed. I felt dirty.

And believe you me, I felt the judgement at church.

There’s no “medical exemption” for modest clothing in most religions. Just baseless, uninformed male-led judgement and questioning why God is punishing you for not being able to withstand the physical demands of the covenant.

And it’s deeply psychologically damaging. This is what led me to question my religion. I believed in the dogma so much that I was willing to risk my health and our unborn’s son health. Over the length of my sleeves. It’s embarrassing to me now that I struggled so much with that decision. It should have been an easy call.

Th health and safety of both my child and myself should have been my first priority. Not fear of God’s wrath for wearing less clothing.

I now live in Central Florida, where it is hot year round.

I am often reminding my children to dress for the weather: shorts, short sleeves, hats and often tank tops.

My four year old loves fashion. She’ll change outfits in the middle of the day just because she can. And some of the outfits she comes up with are questionable. Her favorite shirt right now is a long sleeve white shirt with black stripes. It reminds her of her favorite cartoon character.

It’s now June and it’s over 90 all day. It’s over 100 in the middle of the day. It doesn’t cool down to 95 until after dinner.

So when she comes out with shorts and this long sleeve top, I have to bargain with her to put a short sleeve or tank top on if we are going to go outside.

I frequently think about how ironic this is.

I was shamed (not by my parents, but by the church and the adults teaching me these insane “principles”) that my worth was dependent on my obedience to wearing modest clothing.

And here I am reminding my daughter it’s hot and due to safety, we need to dress appropriately.

If anyone tries to shame or sexualize my daughter, I am not hesitant to advise them where the shame belongs: on them.

Purity culture is no different. I’ll have a full blog on how damaging that teaching is and why I’m teaching my daughter (and my son) that virginity is a myth. It’s a teaching intentionally designed to damage women with the sole purpose to make men feel good about themselves.

Just like “modest is hottest”.

What other religious or cultural teachings have you outgrown or unlearned as adults?

How are you purposely raising your children differently?