Something unexpected happened What feels like today, which was really actually yesterday. My old friend texted me, D was his name. He was my best friend. He was proposing to his girlfriend. And he wanted me to come. She is a pretty girl from what I’ve heard. I’ve never met her, but she hangs around the brothers and sisters of her congregation. Her father is an elder. Her smile is warm.
I haven’t spoken with my friend since March I think, my life turned upside down. And I needed to cut off the people who could’ve helped me, I think I just wanted to sink into the black hole I was making.
Nothing would’ve helped anyways. My best friend is a good person, one of the few I’ve ever met. So it hurt a lot doing this to him. A part of me also felt disgusted with myself. For the longest time I’ve felt something twords him. Looking back I think I had feelings for him. Something I’ve never experienced. It was weak at first, it was pure and genuine affection. We are the same age, the same hight, the same in a lot of aspects. We find each other funny and enjoy each others company. It’s difficult navigating through memory’s with him, what part of me was his friend or his admirer.
I wish it could’ve ended differently. But I don’t have control over that, and so the day I had feared arrived. My best friend is proposing to a girl he loves. I’m hesitant on going. Every bone in my body feels like breaking down. But I ask myself. What kind of person would I be. Would I regret not going? What should I do. Is it right for someone like me to go. I think I would regret not going, even if it would eat me alive, even if it would kill a part of me I thought was gone, even if it would make me cry. I needed to be there and see it with my own eyes.

So I say yes. The only thing I can think about arriving is him. As it’s rainy Walking up the wet hill, I can feel my gut twisting, my legs are shaky. I haven’t seen some of these people in weeks. Maybe months. I approach my old friends, I greet them with a smile. A smile I’ve rehearsed millions of times with them. Nothing was wrong with me. Why would it be. But as I look up there he was. A boy I haven’t seen in what felt like years. I hesitantly walk up to him. I say congratulations, as he greets me. I’m very surprised he is going to do this. Marriage is a big deal. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind in a million years we would be here. I ask him if he’s nervous. He nods yes. I smile at him and walk away. Thankfully this was the last thing I said to him that evening. I needed to be there for him. We have so much history, never has anyone been my best friend before. No one has ever done so much for me then the man that was standing in front of me. That evening was one I think I will remember for the rest of my life. The weather was perfect, the candles on the floor were bright and warm. The mood was emaculate . The glowing words marry me on the floor reminded me of why I was here. As the boys of my friend group continue to chat, I’m reminded of how alone I felt being part of what at the time felt like my real friends. They wouldn’t understand me, of who I’ve become. My best friends little brother teases me, he mentions how sad I look, he’s always had a gift of reading people. He jokes about how this mysterious girl stole D away from me. How funny. It’s the greatest joke in the world. Because of how true it was. His mother approaches and hugs me. I’ve always been good to her, and her to me. She mentions how much she misses me. And I hug her back I tell her I also missed her. If only she knew the truth. The dreadful moment approaches. As I hold a white rose I was handed I look into the distance, she had arrived. Her slow approach gives me the time to glance back at my best friend, he’s standing in the heart shaped candles. In the middle of the rose Petals. If only he knew how beautiful he looked. His eyes are on her. He’s nervous but his joy is overpowering. The warm glow on his face makes me miss him even more. Something in me feels like it’s dying. As the mysterious girl arrives to the candles ,she collects the roses. I hand her mine. She didn’t even look at me. Im honestly relieved. She could’ve been one of those people who just need one glance, one glance to know all my secrets. She reaches him, what feels like an endless dream, it’s become reality. He kneels. And says the words that were written for every lover to say. She says yes. This is a moment I wish I could’ve erased. But I find myself here. As the world claps I too applaud. We take pictures, start small talk. Walk around. Look off in the distance. Feel the misty breeze of the rain on my face. The worst was over. As I try to be blend into the scene. I am approached by my friend. I can’t remember what he said, but it didn’t seem important. I think through out all my life of lying and pretending. I was able to look him in the eyes and give him the satisfaction of knowing I was here in the moment. At this point I wanted to run away. But I didn’t. I followed through the night, even if I felt like this was my last time being alive. I wonder what it felt like to be her.
I arrive at a place to continue this courtship. A house I’ve been in before a while back.
I sit in the kids table, as I notice a photo of him and this mysterious girl kissing on the cheek. It was siting on the table. A photo my brother took. Of course I wasn’t there for any of the pictures. It pissed me off tbh. This wasn’t the person I knew a year ago. So much changes. Maybe I didn’t know the real him He’s confident and strong. He’s determined and positive. Things he’s strived to become back in the past. Of course, I’ve always known he was going to be all these things one day. He was perfect in my eyes. The photo taunted me. It was like if it was meant specifically for me, a reminder. Torture. Who is designing this. The personal hells im encountering. The longer I stay the more I feel isolated. I don’t belong here anymore. So I decide to leave.