This is actually the first time I've been on this subreddit. I knew it existed, but when I was mentally in I obviously wanted nothing to do with it. I mentally checked out last June, and even then I just assumed this sub would be like the facebook groups etc I had seen that are just big "jw's suck" circlejerks and I ain't got time for that kind of negativity. I'm glad to see this isn't the case though.

Little bit about me. I was born in, my dad was an elder, and I had 5 siblings who all left years ago. I can't say I have any extremely fond memories of my dad. No bad memories really. Just neither he nor my mom were really all that involved with me. He died when I was 16.

I was a pioneer at 18 and MS at 19. I would travel to give public talks, and then go home and jerk it to porn. As I got older, I just gradually stopped caring about things. I started working full time, stopped pioneering, neglected my assignments etc.

Because of obvious reasons, I was awkward around girls, had no experience with dating. I dated one sister for all of two weeks. Between this and living at home with my mom, I was pretty depressed and definitely addicted to porn. I'd jerk off to it two, maybe three or more times nearly every day. Eventually I had enough, I met up with a girl I met online and finally got laid. And I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

This got my mind stirring. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I still had the idea that any "apostate" website would be totally skewed and untrustworthy, so I just started applying critical thinking to major doctrines. The issue of sovereignty really starts to fall apart when you look at it with any ounce of critical thinking. Oddly enough, part of the confirmation I needed came from an episode of Adam Ruins Everything, the one on sex. In it, they explain what a hymen actually is, which neither my parents nor porn were interested in teaching me. As soon as they mentioned proof of virginity laws, my mind instantly went to the law in Deuteronomy that a woman could be put to death if she didn't bleed on her wedding night. How the fuck could the supposed maker of the human body not know female anatomy?!

Ever since then I've been fading myself out. Because I still live with my mom (at twenty-fucking-five) I haven't had a way to skip out on meetings besides feigning illness. But I've all but stopped going in service. I was recently informed I wouldn't be used on the sound anymore, which is a fucking load off just because I always did feel guilty shirking something off onto others.

Last month I started a 6-week trade school that should enable to get a decent paying job fairly quickly. I live in a small town, so my plan is to move closer to Dallas, where I'll most likely be living, and just stop going. I realize now how fortunate I am to have 5 siblings who also left. I may be leaving friends, but I'll still have some family support. I also am taking full advantage of this class and making new friends and connections.

The only thing I feel somewhat guilty about is leaving my mom. She'll be the only JW left in her family after this, and she'll be living alone for probably the first time ever in her life. I don't know if I'd ever be able to help her see TTATT.

Sorry for the lengthy intro, I just had a lot on my chest.