I was raised in the truth, by immediate family who strived to serve as much as possible.

My mother was disfellowshipped most of my young life but my grandparents raised me for the most part.my grandpa on both sides, and uncles, all served as either MS or Elders and we often went to the same congregation most of my life. Fast forward and I chose to marry my best friend from a congregation I went to when I was a teenager. And I passed up on the love of my life (to this day) for my best friend (mistake). I have an entire book for that phase of my life but it is insignificant in comparison.

Fast forward to around 2017. I began being a true POS husband. I was unfaithful, an alcoholic, and beyond confused as to who I was, why I was on a war path of nothing, and why I hated myself as a whole. My secular life was skyrocketing but I was giving no attention to my mental health or my self awareness. I didn't even know where to start. I thought "this is just who I am"....

This snowballed into issues for the marriage, and my anxiety went too infinity and beyond.

In Oct 2019 my now ex-wife, slapped me and called police saying I was going to hurt myself. I was insanely depressed and didn't know it. . I was taken to a mental hospital by force and kept for about a week or maybe two. She visited with my grandparents and my son, and made it seem like we just had a lot to work on. She ended up lying to me and flew to her family (with our son) in Colorado and when I got out to call her she made it clear it was a divorce and no changing her mind.

I understood my mistakes, my neglect of attention, my lack of awareness ...but I knew this was going to initiate a war to keep my son from me. This is the first time I even admitted to being unfaithful. I'm still trying to kill myself ego but it's hard to prove you're a better man than what you did sometomes. I regret being so blind during my 20s and missing critical time with the most important thing to me. I put work and my selfishness Infront of me. I used to tell myself "man you're fucking up. You won't be able to do this for long. You're playing with fire", did I listen? NO. My son, my baby boy...8.... I miss him more than I can express. I force myself to eat, and sleep, and live but deep down I'm fucking dying in every sense. I hate the people who convinced her of this life, I hate myself for doing what I was raised to do,.....on the other hand all of this worked out for the better in the long run. And if it wasn't for my mistakes I wouldn't have spiritually grown, become self aware, found the man I want to be, and I would've had to loose my family anyway because I never coudlve stayed in the Borg.

I struggled with the process of divorce, navigating secular change, FU**ING COVID, and failing economy. I ended up saying bye to my home state and useless grandparents telling me to pray about it, and chased my son in Colorado. I chose to live in my car and be a working class homeless man, (still am...longer than I wanted trust me) to save for a trailer and buy a property. I'm just now barely getting to the point of buying a little camper so I can get out of my van, and maybe a few months down the road I can buy a sliver of cheap land so I can be out of the city and afford to live. I bounced jobs that just didnt make sense for me, now working a part time job to get me by and get my van and a camper to stay in.

In the mean time I'm studying for m CDL class A permit and then apply to a job trucking for a bit until I can do my own thing.

My son doesn't totally understand what went on or why I'm even important in his life now, he's only 8. I'm trying to keep him positive and happy and avoid him sending any negativity from me. I know he loves me though. He's hurt but I know he loves me. He calls me daddy and I melt. I cry sometimes when he says he loves me. I cry every time I leave him off after our short visits or calls.

His mother alienates him from me using the functions of the Borg. Until I finish filing, I have two more visits of supervised visits. I've never been charged with anything, never hit or hurt them, she just lied all through the affidavit and the court took the safe course. I'm 50% conservator though and have my rights as a father. The court realized she was "a character" and played the divorce more than fair. I still have a LARGE shot and I know she can't stand in court. I'm trying so hard to mentally focus and finish filing legal paperwork to have a court HELP ME GET HER TO BE FAIR. BE A REAL HUMAN.

The last 3-4 years of my life have been the most amazing, developing, inspirational time of my life. I endured limits I know most witnesses don't know exist. I feel rebirthed to know there's more on the other side of this all. I'm happy to finally have my own shot at life my way, and knowing this is all in my control for the most part. Everything I felt, was close to understanding, realizing the matrix was real wasn't fake feelings. It was all real and is real.

But I cannot get past these deep intense painful and enraging emotions/thoughts/ desires that result from me being torn from my son. For legal reasons I can't say how bad it enrages me but.....just know I'm from Houston and I used to handle deep conflict A LOT differently 😈. Every day, I battle these thoughts.

I don't know what I need, I haven't asked for anything from anyone other than help living somewhere and no one in my family in or out of the truth see any reality to what Im going through. Some just can't afford to help. They look at me as the black sheep of the family because I'm more outspoken and less afraid of the adversity of life. I'm timid and fair until Im not. They gaslight me too much for us to have stable relationships right now. I don't know how I'll ever forgive myself or "the borg/congregation/her family" for my lost time with my son. I'm terrified, he will get older and never understand how bad I feel I wasn't able to be there for him but was trying my hardest. I don't want him to say I failed. Trying isn't doing and I don't give myself a pass. I know I can't fix that but I can only try to make the next day better. I battle drinking still, but I've gotten REMARKABLEY better. I can easily go a week and forget about it. When I get denied talking to him on FaceTime or when he shows disinterest it really hurts.me and I end up having a beer (sometimes, I no longer make excuses) and then I get back on my bullshit BUT IM WORKING ON IT. This isn't the man I'll be forever.

I miss you son. With all my heart. I'm sorry I got us into this mess but I'll damn sure get us out of it. I'll try to not stumble myself on and thoughts. I know things can and will change. I can feel it, I can see it, Its been told to me in every way possible by the universe in so many ways I thought only "holy Spirit" did. In 20 years you may find this post and be my age (28) and realize your dad was always there. Just with a glass wall between us. I will bust through.

,,❤️