Bear with me because I've had a day and I've got something to say.

I struggle on a regular basis with suicidal thoughts and attempts starting as a child that have ranged from peaceful to downright violent. It is solidly rooted in the lack of value that was placed on my safety/life because of the religion I was born into. I left it and lead a mostly isolated existence from anyone who is truly close and would consider me 'family'. It's a statement of fact.

This video is an eloquent articulation of how fundamentally cruel and insidious Governing Body of the Jehovah's Witnesses WorldWide that my family devotes every day of their life to. Being "one of JWs" demonstrates mental illness, proud ignorance and a choice to align with an organization that distorts information and disciplines those who dare seek credible insight. Stephen Lett speaking against homosexuals resurrected 3 months after his gay nephew committed suicide for experiencing the same shunning so many of us do and quote the FUCKING WATCHTOWER HE WROTE is blatant cruelty and wild narcissism. I know I speak occasionally about what it was like to grow up in that organization, that it was tough leaving - but this video shows how incredibly painful it is for those of us born into something we never wanted to be a part of, at some point in our childhood facing that we are going to have to make a forever-decision at an age we aren't ready to. We either pretend for the rest of our lives in misery, likely getting shunned at some point anyways for the inevitable double life, or live as our true selves and lose the only family we've ever known. Many choose the former because it's unfathomable as a young adult to be strong enough to survive losing your entire community. Add to that you've also been raised to believe that everybody who is "worldly" is evil and you've never been in an environment that was encouraging you to get an education, make connections, network, stand on your own two feet - just get out there and knock on doors. If we do leave we have a high rate of suicide and self harm as the depression of isolation, alienating ourselves as we most likely stick out like a sore thumb. We (I) have a difficult time making friends because BY DESIGN we are isolated from anyone not in the cult and we are are fed misinformation about how everybody is out to get us and how evil all of you non-believers are. There isn't enough awareness of how much courage it takes to walk away from the only community you've ever known that is going to turn on you in a single moment that you know has to happen. They decide you are garbage until you get your life back in order to the liking.

In my case, it was deciding that I could not live in an environment that chose the individual who violated my body from the age of five on as well as several other girls, such a cliche. When he admitted to it, (The only good thing he's ever done in his life by clearing me from needing to have two witnesses of sexual brutality and violence in order to be believed because that is still somehow a rule) I was the one punished and labeled bad association, while they rallied around him as someone who was sick (as if he had the cold) and needed to be nurtured back to health. And somehow I was meant to survive as a teenager who had been abused and violated by several men at this point. Lost my virginity in an experience with someone against my will and not allowed to have friends outside of the congregation, but parents in the organization were actively told not to let their children hang out with me. Is it any wonder that to this day I struggle with loneliness, feelings of self-harm and attempts to escape the pain of my life? Meanwhile, he's still grooming kids. I know that for a fact. And my mother, who chose my abuser over me, is too dedicated to spirituality to come stay with me because I live in sin with my kind, supportive, loving not abusive, Non-pedophile non-rapist non -violent boyfriend. As a matter of fact, none of my siblings have ever come to visit and most of my family don't know how to handle me with a voice and it would be so much more convenient if I would just go back to shutting the fuck up. I won't because they robbed me of having a community that would stick by me through difficult times and instead I fumble through life. Desperate for friends that would become family constantly being rejected, feeling alone in despair and struggling to keep my grip on a desire to be here. This organization is far sicker than Scientology and there are 8M vs 55k members, they just don't have celebrity centers.

I don't care how much I disappoint or sadden them and if it makes others uncomfortable that I speak up because if one person in my lifetime walks out of that Kingdom Hall for good, it's all worth it.