I’m 28 and finally realizing how fucked up I am because of how sheltered I was growing up. Literally no hints of sexuality, intense shame for anything that wasn’t approved. I had so little knowledge of human sexuality (or even terms) until my 20s. No wonder I’m still single and still terrified of sex or intimacy. I finally quit going to church during the pandemic, but told my mom I was still going virtually. In May I told her I was still going virtually (which the church even said is still mass) and almost started crying begging me to going in person. She’s also said things like she won’t go to my wedding if I live with a girl before I’m married, and crying at even the mere mention of me not 200% believing every catholic teaching. I can’t live a lie, both in pretending to believe when I don’t and still attending mass, or making my mom think I do these things. My friends have said I’m made my mom my god, but god and his judgment may or may not be real, but my mom and her judgement are. There’s other people who’d disapprove, but mom is the biggest hurdle. And it’s get in the way of my relationship with my dad and siblings too. I honestly think my dad doesn’t believe either but goes along with it for mom. Yes, I’m financially independent, but I have such an intense desire for approval. I’m also autistic which made me understand religion differently (aka rules I very much have to follow), and if my mom didn’t work with me so much I probably would not be functional enough to live on my own. Sorry for the rambling rant, but I’m struggling so much with this. Thank you everyone.