Raised catholic. Now despise almost all christian based churches, while knowing and liking many individuals who are members.

My parents never talked about sex. They never showed any romantic attachment for each other. Indeed, I wonder how they had 3 children. Maybe there is truth in the stories about cabbage patches and storks.

I did not get The Talk when I came of age. School had some generic diagrams of mammalian reproduction, but the discussion didn't venture into humans. Small town, conservative state. My sex education consisted of overheard locker room talk, and watching dogs fuck.

I'd been sexually abused as a toddler, not quite 3 yr. No real memories of that, but my sister tells of a sudden behaviour changes that all are consistent with CSA. My parents never told me. Found out from my sister.

From one intrusive memory, I'm pretty sure it was a regular thing. In the flashback, I'm holding up fingers spread. Flashback had the context of abuse. I knew instantly that a hand of spread fingers meant "many" At 33 months, I would not have been able to count to 5. In a small town, in a neighbourhood with lots of stay at home moms, many means it had to be within the family. So, it had to be brother (13 at the times) sister (16 at the time) one one of my parents. Stats say brother. Gut says mother. I'll never know for sure, unless memories come back. It could explain why I was never told. Mom hiding her shame?

Couple that with a local catholic church and parochial catholic school that either never spoke of sex (nuns) or "sex is for the purpose of making children and must not occur out side the marriage bed" and "masturbation is a serious sin (mortal) that severs your connection to god"

Couple that with parents that were intermittently emotionally neglectful.

Couple that with a mom who never formed an attachment bond, both parents who believed that children should be touched as little as possible.

(If you are familiar with attachment theory, most kids when distressed will run toward their caregiver. I would run and hide.

You end up with a boy who liked to masturbate -- first memory of doing so is about age 5, maybe 4 and a half. Who is taught at school that it's a mortal sin; and taught that unless there is a serious effort to not sin again, there is no forgiveness. I ended up certain I was going to hell. This about age 12. Certain the same way today that I'm certain the sun will come up.

And there was no one in my life I felt I could talk to.

As my childhood friends hit puberty, they started looking at their peers differetly. I didn't understand. By grade 9 all my friends had turned into acquaintences.

I didn't date. I was polite to girls, but not engaged with them. Was more interested in boys, but that was connected to even greater shame, and no idea even of what 'gay' meant except that it was a pejorative term, like geek and nerd.

I have never fallen in love. Never been in a romantic relationship. Spent most of my life emotionally crippled, only feeling emotions blunted, or vicariously.

I'm in therapy. It's helping, but I think too little too lae.