YouTube psychologist TheraminTrees mentioned grey-rocking as a psychological defence mechanism, it’s where you try to become as uninteresting and keep your responses as minimal as you can so that a bully or abuser or inquisitor will leave you alone.

In an SDA context I think I utilised it to avoid censure and lecturing and moralising and authoritarian control from the inquisition (eg. my strict pastor dad/pastor’s wife mom and other assorted conservative church members, particularly the type who follow Ellen White).

When I was in my teens I would often just respond as minimally as possible and would just go along with the church lesson without getting into it. I basically checked out and chose not to express any opinions if at all possible. Just “ok” and whatever minimal agreement was necessary to fast-travel to the end of sabbath-school. To be clear I was a believer at the time, but it was very obvious that the only opinion they really wanted was what agreed with the lesson/doctrines/fundamentals/EGW, so having alternative viewpoints wasn’t really an option. I was a prisoner to the indoctrination machine, and grey-rocking just seemed the easiest way to get through it.

Grey-rocking also related to my then-stunted creative expression. Church people only wanted to see “I love Jesus” and “happy happy joy joy” type creativity. I was into writing as a teen and although my parents asked if they could see what I had written, I hid it from them because I knew they would police my fairly nihilistic fantasy to hell and back. I just told them “oh it’s nothing” and grey-rocked out of there.

Even to this day when I visit my parents (and 2/3 of my siblings) I’m still grey-rocking. I can’t be who I really am when I’m in their domain. The EGW rules and Puritan morality are still heavy. I can’t show them my apostate art, I can’t discuss alternative viewpoints with them. I just grey-rock to keep the peace. I used to hate my parents as my former captors (they were always strict about the sabbath and other Puritan rules, rules, and more rules). I feel sorry for them in their old age given the tragedy of the human condition, but I still I think I’ll always be a grey-rock to them.

One of the things that can happen is that the grey-rocking can become almost like a default setting if you do it too much. And in a way I think it did. While being a captive, opening up or expressing alternative viewpoints or desires would lead to punishment or being treated like someone’s “sin-sick” spiritual patient.

I’ve been thinking lately that rather than grey-rocking when my family members try to push religion I should be at least setting boundaries (eg. No pushing religion). It can become a weakness.

Any other grey-rockers out there?