So it was a kink of mine that I never had the courage to make happen before. I enjoy psychologycal humiliation and have a sort of very "subjetives" kinks that not everyone understands. One of them were to humiliate myself in front of a man that I hate or hate me, prefereably an ex. But all my exes turned to became my friends after our break ups.

Then I dated this guy (31) who was really a prick to me, like, always gaslighting me, yelling, being sexist. He was that kind of guy who poses as a woke and feminist man, but is really sexist and likes to mansplaing etc. And I was really really in love with him. We were together for 1 yr and 2 months and it was always clear that he still loved her ex and kind of don't liked me as a person, just liked my appearence and the sex. Not to mention that our sex was always really violent and degrading (to me, of course). I lost the count of how many times we fucked after a fight while he slapped my face really hard, spit on my face, things like that while I cry (during sex) as if he was still angry with me. I always enjoyed that kind of toxic sex.

I know its not right, but if he had never broke up with me, I am sure I would still be in this relationship because I really loved him. But we break up in really bad terms that were specially humiliating for me because he made it public by posting a text on social media kind of pointing all my flaws, calling me spoiled, childish etc (in a very "passive agressive and poetic narcisistic" way). And he was part of my close circle of friends and most of them took his side and so on.

So he turned to be the man I fucking hated most in the entire world.

Ok, then we time skip around 5 months. He is dating her ex again (the one that he always loved) and they seem very happy. I was single for a while and feeling a special urge to engage in kink sex. So I thought really really hard about this and decided to try and realize this old fantasy of mine once and for all. So I texted him one (horny) night, doing small talk and all. We chated a little bit, he always being very cold towards me. Then I started saying that I regret many of my attitudes in the past, that this was consuming me and that I would like to talk with him in person so I could understand some things about our relationship so I can grow as a person. I was very humble the whole time because I know his big ego very well. First he didnt like the idea, but I pratically begged, so he finally accepted.

Ok, so the next day was friday and we agreed to meet in a cafeteria near his place at lunch. His work was home office and I was still a college student so it was not a problem.

Well, in this meeting I was really horny so I humiliated myself a lot, as in agreeing with all the bad things he called me in the past, calling myself a spoiled bitch, saying I always felt jealous about her ex (now his actual girlfriend) and that was why I acted like that, saying that he taught me about feminism and I was very grateful for that and so on. He was the entire time with a smirk on his face and this turned me on even more (yeah, I know). Basically I apologized many many times for many things and massaged his ego a lot.

As you can imagine, in the end he gave me a real lecture about my past attitudes, maturity, respect and stuff pointing out that he was glad that I finally understood all of it and was ready to became a better person. Not without reinforcing that I still had a long way to go.

So he was putting and end to the meeting, but I insisted that we talked a little bit more in his house. I am sure he realized about my REAL intentions in that exact moment because he promptly agreed. Well, he knew me and my lack of self steem very well too.

When we arrived we chit chatted for a little bit, very awkwardly. By this time my pussy was dripping wet so I finally bring myself to say it. I said I still loved him and that I wanted a second chance. And he LAUGHED. He literally said "Come on, dont do this to yourself. Time to get home, come on". Its when I started to beg. He keeps laughing and trying to make me stand up to leave so I finally realized the fantasy scenario of my dreams. I got on my fucking KNEES and begged for him to accept me back. He seems chocked but was still smiling. I confess I had tears of humiliation in my eyes at the time because I knew he was never going back to me, I just craved the degradation.

Well, then he tried to pick me up from the floor, looking like he was savoring every second of it. So I finally started to beg him to fuck me one last time. Thats when the situation started to change. At first he said no and even ask me to respect his relationship. I insisted and begged for one last blowjob at least, saying that I just wanted to repair my past mistakes somehow so I could move on with my life. He stared at me for a second, sighed and said "You really dont have even a little bit of self respect" and very abruptely took his dick of his pants (who, surprising NO ONE, was hard like a ROCK) and started to fuck my mouth very agressively. And I swear, he was MOANING and saying things like "god, you are so pathetic", "you didnt changed a bit". Then, for my surprise, he took of his dick of my mouth, dragged me to the couch and started to take my clothes off and fuck me in a very violent way. So we had our old toxic sex that I love with LOTS of faceslapping, spitting, cursing, but more intense than ever, to the point I started to worry about getting bruises on my face. I was crying the whole time (I usually cry during sex) and saying things like "I love you", "thank you so much for this" and he was just calling me a whore, bitch etc. In like 20 minutes I had the most wonderful and intense orgasm of my life and not long after he came too, moaning a lot while almost literally burying his nails into my skin (we were dog style in this moment). The motherfucker just enjoy a lot the idea of inflicting pain to others.

So he came, and said "fuck, get dressed, leave and take a fucking pill", while walking to his room. I get dressed, came to my house and cried the whole time while I drove. But when I got home I was feeling fucking nice and relaxed, so I just showed and slept till night.

When I woke up, the first thing I checked was my cellphone. There were a long message of him saying he is concerned about my mental health, demanding I seek therapy (and I have to say to you, I WAS on therapy already), saying he loved his girlfriend, that he wanted we to not speak againg and therefore he was blocking my number. Like, being the "bigger one", you know. And he indeed blocked me.

Until today I have kind of mixed feelings about what happened. A few years passed and I now can recognize I was at a VERY bad mental place at the time and that he is a narcisist, problably a sociopath, but I am not such a victim either. There are times that I feel kind of proud for having "fooled" him with that whole story while in reality I was just using him to pursue a fantasy. And there are few times that shame consumes me to my bones and I just want to disappear. But mostly I just feel satisfied for having had the courage to fulfill this very specific sexual desire.