Part 22 - For context, see my profile.
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That was all the push I needed. At that moment, I made the decision that I was going to go for it, and whatever was going to happen, let it happen. I mean, I wanted to… what did I have to lose? Besides, if I was unhappy or unwilling to do something, I could always walk away.

Now the only question was how I was going to let Gabriel know I was in. A text message? A call? No, no, no, no, no… he would want this in person, and I would want a kiss to go with this new development, maybe even some of that fingernail thing he did last night.

Ah, fuck… I got myself started again. I literally skipped all the way to my room excited for what was about to COME. My mom must’ve thought I was crazy.

The following day, things were going back to normal—school, work, and home. I was still set on going for it with Gabriel, but I hadn’t told him yet. In reality, I wanted to take a little time to make sure that’s indeed what I wanted. I mean, I wasn’t going to be able to see him for a few days, so I figured I could use that time to let everything settle in my mind. Besides, I kind of wanted to make the perfect plan to tell him, you know… try to shock him and get myself a little victory. I can be competitive that way at times.

Gabriel still sent me a daily morning text, wishing me a good day, checking in on me, and letting me know he was there for me. I would respond with something like, “Thank you! You too! 😘” and then he’d go silent. I just did not understand him in that sense.

Did he not think about me as much as I thought about him?
Was he getting tired of waiting?
What if the make-out session turned him off? Was I not good enough?

The fact that our interactions in person didn’t translate over to text kind of bothered me. I felt like something was lacking—I wanted him to flirt with me through text too!

On the other hand, when I was with him, I wasn’t on my phone at all, and during that time, I didn’t miss it. In fact, when I finally got back to spending normal time on my phone, I noticed I had a lot of DMs, emails, and texts that I hadn’t responded to. That was very unusual for me. Some of the guys I talked to regularly were concerned and kept sending messages asking if I was OK. I guess that was to be expected. I mean, I used to talk with them every day for hours on end, exchanging pictures, stories, fantasies… the connection felt real, at least it did then.

I felt bad, but at the same time, I was OK with it. I decided to reply to those messages, letting them know I was OK and not to feel alarmed if I didn’t reply right away because I was working out some things. Of course, that was like an invitation for them to start prying and trying to find out what was going on, but I wasn’t ready to talk about any of this with them.

Except for one—this girl I had met on Flickr and had been talking with for years. I responded to her message and let her know that I was OK, that I had met a guy, and we were trying to figure things out. She was disappointed because, over time, she had started having romantic feelings for me.

I think that all stemmed from one horny night when we were talking; one thing led to another, some pictures and fantasies were exchanged, but I didn’t really think it was going to be as serious as she did. Regardless, I did care for her and felt bad that I was not as emotionally invested as she was. In the end, she understood, wished me well, and said if I ever wanted to talk, she would be happy to.

To me, that felt like a goodbye, but again, I was OK with it.

While I was not being tortured by Gabriel's absence, I kept busy thinking about what it would be like when I told him I wanted to have a relationship with him. What would the relationship be like?
Why do I have to be on a fucking schedule!!!???

Anyway, I did notice that the jealousy fits were becoming less and less and the thoughts that would torture me before were not as intense. Surely they still bothered me, but they were nowhere near as bad. Perhaps the understanding of jealousy was helping me overcome it.

I did some research on things I could do to help with self-esteem, insecurity, and all that, but the more I looked into it, the more abstract the solutions seemed. Videos telling me to “think this,” “think that” or “look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re great” simply were not helping. I’m not saying they don’t help other people—they just didn’t help me.

A part of me was really wondering what Gabriel would have to say about all this and if he could help me.

On my way home from work, I went to the coffee shop to get myself a cup of tea. I usually drank coffee, but tea was becoming a habit—I liked it. I just sat there drinking my tea, on my phone looking at Snapchat, IG, the usual… and decided to take a quick picture of my tea on the table and send it to Gabriel with the caption, “Look, I am at ‘our spot’!”

Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking or expecting back. I just wanted him to know I was thinking of him AND low-key remind him that he was supposed to be thinking about me!

He never responded or even acknowledged the picture or the message. I got depressed and just wanted to run back to the safety of my room where everything made sense.
I kept looking at my phone, switching between social media and the text I sent him.
I thought about sending a message to the people I was used to messaging, but I knew that wasn’t going to be enough to fill the void I was feeling and would just lead to more questions I didn’t want to answer. I started to feel the same emptiness I felt when my ex-best friend vanished.

As I was having my moment, just looking at my phone, I heard a voice say, “Hello, beautiful.” My heart skipped a beat—was I hearing things?

When I looked up from my phone, there he was… I was fucking surprised, I couldn’t speak. All I could do was look at him. He smiled at me and said, “Red, get up and hug me.” I was still gasping for words, so I got up and hugged him… and holy shit, it felt good… it felt like I could finally breathe again. When he hugged me, as his beard brushed past my forehead, I felt the connection I was dying for. I didn’t want to let him go; I just sunk into him and he pulled me in. FINALLY, I was immersed in his presence, his smell, and I was home.

That moment for me was so intense, so powerful that I felt myself tear up a little bit… I had to discreetly wipe my eyes because I didn’t want him to see that.

Then he broke the hug, grabbed my face, and looked into my eyes, gazing right into my soul as he said, “There’s my good girl, I’ve missed you,” and kissed me.

After what seemed like an eternity and a millisecond at the same time, he stopped the kiss and just looked at me. I couldn’t help myself and stuttered to say, “I-I-I’m in, I want to be with you.” His eyes widened in surprise—I don’t think he was expecting that.

Once he regained his composure and with my face still in his hands, he kissed me again and then wrapped me in his arms. When that kiss ended, I continued to hug him and just laid my head on his chest. I felt him try to break the hug, but I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. He noticed and just allowed me to keep my head on his chest.

It’s funny—as confident and calm as he was, while my head was on his chest, I could hear his heart beating fast and his breathing almost getting out of his control… I liked that feeling. I guess it let me know I wasn’t the only one feeling something.

We must’ve stayed like that for a few minutes—well, I’m sure it was like 2 minutes or something like that, but during that short time, I heard and felt his heart beating, his breathing, and when I opened my eyes, I could see people walking by staring at us, but I didn’t care. I just took in the moment.

Eventually, I finally let go and went to sit back down, but then thought, “Wait… he doesn’t have his tea! He must have his tea! I should go get his tea! Private Red reporting for tea duty, Sir!”

I fought my nervousness as much as I could and tried to calmly say, “I am going to go get your tea.” He responded, “That would be fantastic, Red, thank you. I’m going to run to the bathroom,” and walked away.

As I waited for his tea and for him to come back, I was trying to figure out how the fuck I went from having a moment where I just wanted to go home and bury myself under my covers, to now, here I am, giddy as a schoolgirl.

My plans to surprise him with the news that I wanted to have a relationship with him went out the window, and I just blurted it out in a moment of intensity.

I thought, “This man just refuses to let me have things my way… and for god’s sake, can my heart stop beating so fucking fast!”

When his tea was ready, I brought it to our table and sat down to wait for him. I was nervous, anxious, but also overcome with joy in anticipation of what was to come.

And then I finally saw him walking towards me… I loved his walk, so confident and calm. It was sexy—even though he was sweaty in shorts and a hoodie, I wanted to submerge myself in his chest again, sweat and all.

to be continued...