Part 21 - For context, see my profile.
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He said one final goodbye and with a confident, yet sarcastic smile he added, “Red, it’s such a shame you can’t make a decision tonight—it would’ve been perfect.” And I said, “Gabriel, I want to… I just don’t know what to do.”
He smiled and said, “Well, if you decide to be mine, you won’t have to worry about that—I’ll be telling you what to do.” We both laughed, but then he got serious and said, “Red, don’t stress too much about this. The answer will come to you when it’s time to decide. Regardless, I’m just a phone call away if you want to talk about it.”

And then he kissed me one last time and walked away, leaving me a big mess of confusion, emotions, thoughts, and wet panties.

As he walked away, I fumbled trying to find my keys. I really needed to get into the house, partly because I didn’t want Mom to see ANYTHING, and partly because I really needed to change my panties—that’s what I told myself anyway. I knew what was about to happen, but I couldn’t bring myself to think, let alone say, “I am going to masturbate.” There was still some shame in that thought.

Finally, I found my keys and got through the door. Fortunately, Mom was not in the living room, so I was able to get to my room without having to explain anything. As I walked into my room, off came the shoes, sweater, jeans, and underwear. As suspected, my panties were a mess, and the moisture had even seeped into the fabric of my jeans. No time to give it a 12-point inspection—I had business to attend to!

I jumped on my bed, laid on my back, and it was time to release the built-up tension I’d been having for the past few hours. That day, I didn’t even pretend like it wasn’t going to happen. Normally, I would lay, play with my skin a little bit, almost seducing myself… not today! No time for that!

I went right for it. I actually copied Gabriel's teasing technique but realized that it was better with a thin piece of fabric between my finger and my nipple, so I put my bedsheet over my chest and started teasing. Either it was better, or I wanted to relive the moment as vividly as possible—regardless, it was heaven!

Then I heard a DING. It was my phone. I remember thinking, who could this be? Forget the phone, I am busy with more important business. But then it hit me—it could be Gabriel, and I just needed to know what he said… I can feel you judging me.

Anyway, I stopped what I was doing, went to look for my phone, and there it was—a message from Gabriel. It said, "Good night, Ms. REDiance. Thank you for a wonderful evening. I truly enjoyed our time together and the connection we shared. You were such a good girl today, and I appreciate your openness and honesty. I look forward to seeing where this journey takes us. Sleep well and dream sweetly."

Let’s just add more fuel to the fire, why don’t we? I mean, I was already dripping, and that message just made it worse—or was it better? back to bed I go!

I got my bedsheet back over my chest and re-read the message while teasing my nipple. Once I soaked in the message, I put down my phone and went to my clit for my customary: nipples and clit with a side of his words on my mind. It wasn’t long before I felt the first wave coming, and I whispered, “Use me, sir, use me… I am your good girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-fu-fu-fu-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…” and that put me over the edge, wave after wave after wave of sweet release. It was the hardest orgasm I’d had in my life… I know I’ve said that a few times, but his presence in my life at that time just kept unlocking levels... like a video game!

So, I laid on my bed, basking in the moment, weak and trying to catch my breath.

Once I regained my composure, I picked up my phone and replied to Gabriel's message, saying, “Good night, Gabriel. Tonight was incredible. Sweet dreams, Sir!”
Hey, I was drained mentally, emotionally, and now physically, and that is the best I could think of at the time.

After I did that, I went to pick up the messy panties I had left on the floor, which were still soaked—I could not let my mom find those. When I picked up my jeans, holy shit! They were wet too! Exactly how much fluid did I lose that night? I remember thinking, "No wonder I feel dehydrated," and let out a little chuckle. I crack myself up sometimes.

I put on my pjs and went to get myself some water. I mean, I was joking, but I was also very thirsty. Plus, I needed to say hi to Mom and throw my soaked clothes in the washer before she could see them. Mom was asleep—so much the better… I could go for round two with a little more freedom. Tee-hee!

What happened next was a pivotal moment for me. I am sure it is no big deal to you, but it was something I did not see coming.

I was sitting in the kitchen, drinking my water and re-reading the text from Gabriel, and then I said, “You know what? I am going to go masturbate.” This was the first time I actually acknowledged to myself that I was going to my room specifically to “play my organ,” if you will. I quietly danced my red ass down the hall and into my room while singing in my head, “I’m gonna cu-um… I’m gonna cu-um…” It was liberating because, as I said before, I had always been ashamed to admit it to myself.

I walked in, closed the door, and off came my pjs. I happily jumped in bed and went to town… to my surprise, I was still dripping. What the hell was this guy doing to me? Meh, no time to chew on that one for now, it was “use me, Sir” time! And that is how the rest of the night went, until I finally drifted off to sleep.

The next morning was a mixture of anticipation, regret, and dread. It was time to overthink what had happened the day before during the date and after, though the after was more of a source of excitement. After my little morning “use me” session (because I felt I owed it to myself), I decided I needed to overthink everything.

I kept going through the events from last night. I will be honest, I loved every moment of it, but I was a bit embarrassed about everything that happened. I was concerned about what Gabriel would think of me. Would he think I was slutty? Granted, not a lot really happened, but my mind was racing, and I was willing… holy shit! Was I a slut? Was I really ready to jump into anything sexual? I mean, wanting it and doing it are very different things.

After that, the whole jealousy thing was on my list. Was it REALLY because of low self-esteem or insecurity? Time to research!
Frankly, I thought this was going to take hours, but nope… a quick search on Google put me on the right path and guess what? Gabriel was right; maybe he did know what he was talking about.

Well, shit… what do I do with this knowledge? Honestly, when he talked to me about it, I did want to believe him, and it did make the concept of jealousy a lot more manageable in my head. But now I have to wrestle with low self-esteem, being insecure, abandonment issues, or all of the above! Was I going to be able to do this?

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced something like this, but just having some understanding of the problem almost makes it go away, ALMOST… I mean, it was instantaneous for me. Jealousy prior to this tortured me to no end, but once I understood it at least to some degree, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I won’t tell you that it all goes away, but I certainly felt more in control of it. Light at the end of the tunnel type of thing.

And then it occurred to me: you know who could help with this? Gabriel!
I wrote "Talk to Gabriel" in my journal right below "jealous feelings" that he had me write. The whole thing had me feeling optimistic. I mean, there was a part of me that was happy because I was going to overcome the jealousy problem, but mostly I was happy because maybe I could be in a relationship with Gabriel… sigh.

Next item on my list was the risks involved, so I did what Gabriel taught me: I wrote “RISKS” on a blank sheet in my journal. I liked my new journal; it came in so handy.
I found myself deep in thought, processing the risks involved in a relationship with Gabriel. The idea of fully opening up to someone, especially someone as intense and direct as Gabriel, was both thrilling and terrifying. What if I couldn’t get past my jealousy? What if my insecurities sabotaged what could be an incredible connection? The potential heartache of investing myself so deeply only to have it crumble.

I needed a break and to get something to eat, so I headed to the kitchen and passed my mom in the living room. She was watching The Golden Girls reruns, her go-to show, and I guess I inherited the habit as well.
I made myself a sandwich, grabbed a cup of coffee, and sat down in the living room to watch TV and take a break from everything. My mom really didn’t say much; we weren’t really talkers. Our talking was purely when necessary. I said, "Good morning, Mom," she replied, and then we watched TV.

The episode she was watching was one where Blanche’s father leaves everything so he could become a country singer. I remember thinking, “I wish I was that brave”… and then it just came to me, a voice inside me said, fuck it! Do it!

And that was all the push I needed. At that moment, I made the decision that I was going to go for it, and whatever was going to happen, let it happen. I mean, I wanted to… what did I have to lose? Besides, if I was unhappy or unwilling to do something, I could always walk away.

Now the only question was how I was going to let Gabriel know I was in. A text message? A call? No, no, no, no, no… he would want this in person, and I would want a kiss to go with this new development, maybe even some of that fingernail thing he did last night.

Ah, fuck… I got myself started again. I literally skipped all the way to my room excited for what was about to COME. My mom must’ve thought I was crazy.

to be continued…