These are parts 11-12 of my story.
I am reconstructing my story from my diary, emails, texts and memory. Granted, I may be romanticizing things, but this is how I remember it. The conversational parts are obviously paraphrased.

-Red
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The next morning, things felt different. I felt anticipation as if something good was waiting for me, sort of the way I used to feel on Christmas morning.

One thing that I remember before him waltzing his happy ass into my life, was that I would wake up and feel good, but 10 seconds later, I used to feel a drop in my overall morale, sort of like a cloud of hopelessness would just drape around my existence. I remember sarcastically thinking, “Not today, depression!”

Yeah yeah, I know nothing had happened, and I was still not ready to make a decision, but I was collecting data for my decision.

That day, I was off from work and decided to stay home from school. I seldom did things like this, so for some reason, I felt I deserved it and I wanted to continue this feeling, dream, or fantasy—whatever you want to call it. I still felt spellbound, but not as much as I did the day before. I was a bit more clearheaded.

I just laid there looking at the sky through my window, marinating in a haze of possibilities, not just the good ones, the bad ones too; but if I am being honest, the good ones won by ridiculous margins.

One thought that kept creeping in was the orgasm from the night before; it was intense… and I wanted more.

I remember that, at that time, when I used to masturbate, I used to feel shame, so I would take my clothes off, but mentally, I would pretend that it wasn’t me taking my clothes off and about to do the “dirty deed.”

I slid my shorts off and started teasing myself, still looking at the sky through my window, just caressing my skin with one hand while the other slowly crept up my shirt, searching for my breast. That, ladies and gentlemen, was my thing at the time. Once either hand made it to its destination, I closed my eyes and it was go time.

I know, I know, a lot of people have incredible masturbation stories, but at the time, that was my thing: playing with my boobs with one hand and playing with my clit with the other.

I kept replaying his smile, his voice, his touch, his warm hugs, and what it would be like to be his. It wouldn’t be long before my legs got stiff and toes pointed out—my signal that an orgasm was coming. And then it happened: wave after wave of intense release. It just kept “coming,” if you know what I mean.

I heard myself whisper “Gabriel” a few times and then something unexpected happened. I whispered, “Gabriel, use meeee”, and that took me over the top to the most intense wave I had ever felt up until that point in my life, and it was good!

The rest of the day went just that way: I would think, watch videos, and masturbate. It was a good day.

Something stood out from that experience, though; I had never spoken during my sessions. Something had been unlocked inside me. The phrase “Gabriel, use me” was like a magic phrase that made me feel something I couldn’t quite identify, and it worked like a charm every time… yes, I am a nerd, let me be. I like to collect data to make my decisions.

Anyway, I decided to respond to Gabriel’s last text and said, “Hi Gabriel, I had a good time too, thank you.” After I sent the message, I felt like an idiot. The message sounded too impersonal, almost dismissive. It was too late, it had been sent. I just thought that he knows I get nervous and awkward, so he will probably understand. At least, that was my hope.

Shortly after that, he responded, saying, "Good morning Red, I hope you had a great night. I know I gave you a lot to process, and I understand if you decide not to pursue things with me. I just ask that when you do make that decision, you let me know. I don’t want to be thinking that we’re working on something, but you’ve already decided not to."

I thought that was a reasonable request. I mean, I sat around for three months waiting for my ex-best friend before I realized he was not coming back; besides, he called me “Red” instead of “Ms REDiance”, that was progress!
Then another message came through: "Also, do not interpret my radio silence as lack of interest in you. I am very much interested in getting to know you better, but I also understand that you need to process everything. I would like to be there for you, but I know everything I say can and will be interpreted as an attempt to convince you. Having said that, I am here for you, but I will need you to tell me how to be here for you. If you have any questions or want to talk about anything, let me know."

Again, it was all completely understandable. I was really impressed with how he thought everything through and explained it so clearly. Even if I wanted to disagree with anything he said, I would really have to bend common sense just for the sake of doing it.

Throughout the day, I kept watching the video I had emailed myself that made me feel good. The people in the video looked so happy, loving, and… deeply in love—all three of them. I kept going back and forth between “I want that!” and “Can I really handle that?”

And then there was the “Gabriel use me” phrase, which had etched itself in my consciousness. At one point, I was in the living room casually watching some show my mom had on, and the phrase rushed to the forefront of my mind. I had to run to my room for another session. As I said before, it was a good day, and it worked every single time.

As my day came to an end, I decided that I needed to see him again and talk through some of the questions I had. Maybe there was a part of me that just wanted to see him. I also wanted to know if I was over-sensationalizing him and the idea. I wanted to see if I was indeed spellbound in his presence.

So, I sent him a text saying, “Hey Mr. Gabriel, is there a chance that you’re free tomorrow for a cup of coffee? I’ve been thinking about everything and there are some questions I would like to ask.”

I know it doesn't seem like much, but this was bold for me during that time of my life.

He responded a little later with a simple, “Sounds good, see you at 2!”

Well, that was simple and to the point, not to mention that my class ended at 2 that day. But fuck it! I’ll just have to miss class!

I responded a calm, cool, and collected “See you then!” and went to work on my next “Gabriel use me” moment.

The next day, everything went smoothly. I really was having a good day; everything that could go wrong, did not.

This time, I wasn't really trying to get there before him. I just wanted to see him and make the best impression possible. Even though I still wasn't ready to commit to either option, I liked him, enjoyed his company, and wanted him to like me.

In my interactions with younger guys, they usually tried to get me to like them, and I'd just hang out, waiting for something to happen. But with him, I was doing all the work to get him to like me... it was weird. Honestly, I didn't know if it was just HIM or older men in general... but this guy wasn't exactly begging for my attention.

Now, I wasn't THAT naive. This could just be him playing it cool and waiting for me to react. But let me tell you something, if that's what he was doing... it was working.

Anyway, I turned the corner and there he was, again just kind of looking at everything and nothing at the same time. I made a mental note to try to find out what goes through his mind during those times. Most people would get on their phone, pace around, or read something... but not him. He just stood there peacefully exploring everything with his eyes.

Then he saw me, and his face turned into the most genuine smile I had ever seen. I thought, "I could get used to that smile."

Butterflies fluttered around inside me as I made my way toward him, and there it was, that hug, that connection, that feeling of relief. It was like all that time I was under pressure from not seeing him, and then seeing him relieved the pressure. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what it felt like.

As soon as the hug ended, he took my hands in his, lightly kissed them while gazing directly into my eyes, and said, "Red, it's so good to see you." I let out a sigh of relief and managed to say, "It's good to see you too." I was getting better at this!

As he led me to our table, the same table as last time, I asked if he had been waiting long, to which he replied, "Not at all, you're perfectly on time."

I had noticed that the way he talked was very... fluffy? He never gave a simple "yes" or "no"; he just had this poetic way of saying things. Either that, or I was just developing the biggest crush of my life.

As we sat at our table, I noticed he had a notepad with him, but not just a regular notepad—a leather journal. It stood out to me as unusual, but hey, I was making peace with the fact that he was just an unusual man.

There was a short moment of silence, which he broke by saying, "Before we begin and get in deep, Red, would you mind getting us our tea?"

I immediately reacted and said, "Wow wow wow, buddy, what do you think this is?" At least, that's what I thought I said, but I was mistaken because what I actually said was, "Sure, what would you like?"

I went to get our drinks and noticed that Ms. "Smiley Smilington" from last time wasn't there—it was someone else. As I waited for our drinks, I noticed Gabriel just sitting there, peacefully... not a care in the world. I thought to myself jokingly, "Man! I am going to disturb the hell out of that peace." That was so good, I even laughed a little out loud. I crack myself up sometimes.

Anyway, I got the drinks and headed back to the table, sitting across from him. Again... that smile and that gaze—it drove me nuts!

We started with casual conversation, you know, "How have you been?", "How is work?", the little mundane things people talk about. But he didn’t stand for that for long. As soon as he found an opportunity, he asked, "So, what questions did you have for me, Red?" I responded with the only thing I could think of, which was, "Ah-I-I am nervous and forgot." He chuckled, and I felt a flush of nervousness.

He said something along the lines of, "I expected as much. It's OK, Red. It will come back to you." That felt reassuring and helped me relax a bit. He then said that since we had gone into some detail about his needs and desires, it would be a good idea to talk about my needs and desires to see if this was a relationship that could satisfy both of us.

I thought that was thoughtful of him. Unfortunately, I didn't know because I had never really thought about these things, so I told him as much. He wasn’t surprised at all and said, "It's OK, we can figure them out. You’d be surprised how quickly this can happen. We'll just talk, and they will start coming up."

Since I really did not have experience at all with this, I agreed to follow his lead. He asked me about my past relationships and how they ended.

This was a particularly embarrassing topic for me because of my experience with my ex-best friend, but I thought it would be best to just be honest. Up to this point, he seemed to be understanding of everything, and maybe he could help me make sense of it all. Honestly, that whole experience had been bothering me for a long time and I had never talked about it with anyone. I just hoped he wouldn't think I was this big loser that wasn't worth his time.

So, I began telling him the story...

to be continued...