These are parts 6 and 7 of my first experience with an older man.
I am reconstructing my story from my diary, emails, texts and memory. Granted, I may be romanticizing things, but this is how I remember it. The conversational parts are obviously paraphrased.

-Red

One thing that always bothered me about myself was my terrible shyness and social awkwardness. I would later understand the root of it and learn how to overcome most of it, but at that time, even a simple sign of discomfort would send me running for the hills to the comfort of my bedroom.
I was so much more comfortable having conversations via email or text. Even phone conversations were a source of anxiety for me. So, when he so openly started talking about the possibility of having a relationship with me—in person—it really set off my anxiety. But it was too late to run; I was there in the open with him, exposed and vulnerable.

Anyway, when he asked if I wanted to have a conversation about what he wanted to get out of this, all the comfort I was getting accustomed to melted away and was replaced with nervousness. But at the same time, I was curious, so I said, "Alright..." Yeah, I know, I was a conversational genius.

As he took a sip of his tea and set it down in front of him, he said, "REDiance (no 'Ms. REDiance' this time), in my life, I like to always be as honest and transparent as possible.
Today, I have enjoyed your company, I find you charming, and I think we would make a good match. Otherwise, we would not be having this conversation." The little girl inside me was excited, thinking, "He likes me!"

While burning a hole through my soul with his eyes, he continued, "What I am looking to get out of this is a long-term, loving, committed relationship. I would like to explore that as a possibility. Is that something you would be open to explore?" Without saying a word, I just nodded. He said, "REDiance, I am going to need you to use your words." I was a nervous wreck—my mouth was dry, my hands were sweating, and I was struggling to catch my breath—but I managed to get out a "Ye-yes, I would be open to that."

He smiled, much more confidently than I was used to, and asked, "Do you have any questions for me so far?"

I said, "Where does that put us today?"

He smiled again and replied, "That is a great question. What it means is that as of today, we're going to start getting to know one another with the goal of finding out if we are good for one another." He took another sip of his tea before continuing, "Ultimately, we may think that we are great for one another, but after getting to know more about each other, we might find that we are not. I have requirements I need you to adhere to, and you may not agree to those. At the same time, you may have aspects of your life that might affect me negatively, and I certainly won't accept those. I expect you to do the same with whatever aspects of my life that you may not agree with."

I was just sitting there, staring at him, wondering what "requirements" meant and what aspects of my life could affect him negatively. Honestly, I really didn't think I had any. In fact, this afternoon was the most exciting day I'd had since the whole thing with my ex-best friend.

I decided it was a good idea to assert myself and be as blunt as I could, so I said, "What are your requirements?" At least, that’s what it sounded like in my head, but I fumbled through the sentence. Twice. He noticed both my attempt to be assertive and my fumbles, smiled, and said, "Look who's coming out of her little shell! Good girl." There were those two words again—I felt tingly and rewarded when he said them to me.

He spent the next few minutes explaining some of his requirements. For simplicity, I'll list them rather than paraphrasing the conversation.

• You will not allow me to make you unhappy. You should not allow anything or anyone to make you unhappy, not even me. You can be certain I will do the same, diligently.
• We will work on identifying all your needs and desires. We’ll learn the difference between them and ensure that at least your needs are met.
• We are both in this, because we want to be. The minute you don't want to be in this, you're free to walk away and I encourage you to do so, because I will do the same.

He paused and asked if I understood what he was saying so far. I said I did, and I was more than okay with those rules, but I needed a bit of clarity on the whole needs and desires thing. I was so proud of myself when his face lit up as I asked my question.

"That is the best question you could have asked," he said, then explained, "In a nutshell, your desires are things you want but can live without; they are not necessary for your happiness." He paused to drink some tea and continued, "Your needs, on the other hand, are non-negotiable; you need them to be happy." My eyes widened as I was mesmerized by his clarity and the fact that I had never thought of these things and their importance.

I said "wow... ok. I can totally get into this".

He grinned and said, "Good girl. I thought you might." He explained that if we maintained those principles as the foundation of our relationship, the other requirements should flow relatively well. He reminded me that I always had the option to walk away if any of this felt like something I couldn't live with.

My eyes kept getting wider and wider. It seemed like everything he was saying was centered around my happiness. My skepticism tried to gain and maintain my attention, I heard my mom always saying, "Men will tell you what you want to hear, but they lie to get what they want." But I managed to keep that voice in the background. I wanted to take in as much of this as possible.

I eagerly asked, "Is that it? Any more requirements?" He replied, "Well, this is the part where most people run for the hills, but I believe in being honest about my needs and expectations. I don't believe in wasting your time, and most importantly, I don't waste mine*. So please listen to me, and keep in mind that if any of my requirements or needs prevent you from being happy, or you simply don't want any part of it, you can say 'no' and walk away. Deal?"*

I have to admit, this sounded like a warning, but to me, it was more of an invitation to be curious. What was he going to say? What were these requirements that made other women run? Should I start planning my escape? Ah, shut up and listen, Red. It can't be that bad!

I replied with a simple "deal."

Again, with his tea in his neatly manicured hands, he took a sip and said, "You're so adorable, Red." I noticed that the more comfortable we got, the shorter my name got. I blushed and felt another rush come over me; I was enjoying this so much!

He continued his list of requirements...

As he put his tea down, he explained that he created this list of things he needs in a woman, not out of desire, but out of necessity. He said that he had spent most of his past relationships wandering aimlessly because neither he nor his partners had set any direction. It wasn't a bad reflection on them, but rather a lack of understanding. He went on to explain that most relationships fail because people don't acknowledge their needs properly, only expressing them in the heat of an argument or fit of dissatisfaction.

That was the way he used to operate, but one day he figured out that if he just expressed his needs from the beginning, there was less room for error, and the other person couldn't say, "I didn't know." He emphasized this a lot as both a virtue and a flaw; by taking away the ability to say, "I didn't know," his partners had to face the reality that they were unable or unwilling to fulfill his needs. It was admirable, really.

I kept nodding my head as if I agreed, but I had no real point of reference. As I mentioned before, my only romantic experience was with my ex-best friend (yes, I refuse to call him my ex). But that didn't prevent me from nodding in agreement because it all made sense to me.

All this just kept building up my curiosity—what were these needs and requirements? However, the conversation itself was fascinating. I remember thinking, "If things don't work out, I should keep him as a friend," but that idea flew out the window when I remembered how clear he was about not wanting to be friends.

After some more stimulating conversation, he finally got to his requirements. Some of them were not really requirements as much as they were "warnings," so to speak—just things I should understand and accept if I wanted to be with him. He mentioned that if I did not agree with any of his requirements, I should consider the first things he told me. That's why he put them at the top of the list.

Anyway, his requirements were:

• I am his
• I am his to love
• I am his to protect
• I am his to guide
• I am his to use as he sees fit, at all times

He emphasized that this is at all times, not only when I am in his presence.

Now, this was a lot to process. How could I give someone control to guide me and use me (was this sexual???)? I also noticed, my own hypocrisy, I didn't have a problem with being loved and protected—that sounded good. So, I asked what that really meant. It seemed so intrusive, and how would it even work?

As you can imagine, the answer was long and nuanced. He prefaced it by quoting the previous rules, which in a nutshell said that if something causes me to be unhappy, I can, and should, just walk away. I could see why he always made that clarification.

He continued to explain that loving someone requires a lot of work and commitment, especially if they specialize in doing things that endanger that love or are unwilling to fulfill his needs.

He gave an example: “imagine if you loved me intensely and wanted to have a great life with me, but I, instead of working with you to achieve that goal, spent my time abusing drugs and constantly going to jail. How long would it take for us to achieve that goal? Would we ever? Moreover, how long before you decide that it is best for you to walk away?

On the other side, if we define our goals from the start, and we both agree to them and you allow yourself to be guided towards that goal, and EVERYTHING we do is for the benefit of that goal, we'll get there much faster and with less effort.”

Well, shit... I couldn't argue with that logic. But then I asked, "What about MY goals?" He was quick to respond, "If your goals align with OUR goals, then I will love, support, and guide you to achieving them." Of course, I had to ask what would happen if my goals didn't align with OUR goals. Again, he was quick to respond, "That's why the initial three rules are in place; if this is detrimental to your personal happiness and fulfillment, then you should walk away."

To be honest, I really didn't have any problems with that. At the time I was lost, alone, and lonely. I could use some direction because I felt like my whole life I was in a rut, and I simply didn't know how to get out of it. I often asked myself, "Is this life? Just work, go to school, meals in between, rinse and repeat? Or was this just MY life, and I was not any good at it?"

My next question was the obvious one: "I am his to use." What did that mean? Honestly, I thought it was sexual, and you internet pervs are to blame for that!
While I thought it was sexual, I didn't have the nerve to ask directly if it was, so I just asked, "What does it mean to be 'yours to use'?"

Without hesitation, he explained, "It means that if I need to use you—your mind, your body, your work, any part of you—to move us in the direction of our goals, then I am free to do so and you are to comply. Again, observing the first three rules, if it is something that you feel jeopardizes your personal happiness, you can walk away. However, you have to trust that I have already thought about it, and I feel it is the best course of action at that time."

I started to speak, but he signaled that he wasn't done. "Now, I am not naive. I understand that the trust I am asking of you is earned, and I will be committed to earning that trust."

I let out a big sigh. He just answered my question before I even asked it. I still wanted to know if this was also sexual but didn't have enough courage to ask directly, so I phrased it as a joke and said, "I think I understand. For a second there, I thought it was sexual."

He quickly responded, "It is. I value my sexual life as much as any other vital part of my life, and it would be in line with achieving a happier life, don't you think?"

I agreed but was still so curious about the whole sexual thing. I mean, "being used" was so different from "making love" or "having sex" I was used to when it came to talking about sexuality. But the prospect of it all excited me. However, I didn't want to seem like an eager beaver about the whole sex thing; I am a lady, after all.

to be continued...