*SPOILER ALERT\*

This post contains spoilers for Black Mirror Season 4 episode 4 - Hang the DJ

Tldr; Rewatching this Black Mirror episode gave me insights on how my ability to generate lots of future possibilities (typical ENTP trait) has probably caused me to sabotage many of my relationships.

Synopsis

The episode is about this couple, Frank and Amy meeting up via this dating service that uses this device called Coach that tells the users where they should go to meet their new dates. When the new couple meet, they can activate Coach using a special command that lets both of them know when this relationship will end. Frank and Amy’s relationship will end in 12 hours. While lying next to each other, they have this conversation about how terrible it must have been for people to date before Coach arrived, having to figure things out for themselves, dealing with breakups, etc.

Fast forward a year, and Frank ends up with this dead relationship that lasts a year. He would love to have this relationship end sooner, but Coach reassures him that all this is for a reason and it’s through these interactions in these failed relationships that provide data to the artificial intelligence to one day, provide The Perfect Match.

Amy goes through a relationship for 9 months with a guy she has great sexual chemistry with but she can’t get past this pet peeve about him. After that ends she gets matches with a lot of 36 hour relationships with physically attractive men, but leaves her feeling emotionally unfulfilled.

Eventually, Coach matches Frank and Amy again to their delight and they agree that they won’t activate Coach to know when their second chance at this relationship will end. They are very happily dating each other when one day...

Most relevant part of the episode starts here.

Frank’s curiosity gets the better of him and he activates Coach to let him know when his relationship with Amy will end. Coach reveals: 5 years. But shortly after, Coach re-calibrates to reduce to 3 years, 5 months... until it eventually gets to 2 hours. Coach says that his one-sided checking of their relationship status has destabilized it, causing it to go from 5 years to this.

It’s this moment that had me hit pause and reflect. I am Frank. I realized why i’m the one breaking up my relationships in the past. I might be relatively happy in my relationship but I have this curiosity that makes me wonder and critique everything. In hindsight, it seems as though i’m looking for excuses to break up the relationship. I think this is where the stereotype of ENTPs being controlling in relationships come from - because we see so many possibilities, we also see how things can be improved, And if we open up about this to our partners this almost invariably causes strife. The unexamined life might not be worth living, but curiosity can kill the cat too. Perhaps, some things are better left alone, and the mere act of observation changes the result.

There’s a line to be drawn between improving things for the better and scrutinizing, imagining how things will end before it happens. Worse, in some of my past relationships I have ended it before we’ve even crossed my imaginary river. Although i’m usually a person that can live in the moment well, I now wonder if it’s this part of me that theorizes and imagines so well that has prevented me from fully being in the moment, and enjoying what I have today.