NSFW for mention of su*cide attempt

I’m (nb30) posting here because I’m ready to permanently go no contact with my mom. My partner is supportive of this but wants me to really make sure it’s the right move for me since it’s not really reversible. So I guess I’m just looking for some unbiased opinions so I can look at all aspects of this.

My mom and I have always had a complicated relationship. My childhood wasn’t very pleasant…she was extremely strict and my parents hated being married to each other and I (as the oldest) bore the brunt of a lot of emotional immaturity from them before and after they divorced. I was also an undiagnosed AUDHD kid and you can imagine the extra hardship that caused. Im going to skip over a lot of things because I would be here for days if I put down everything she’s done since childhood.

Fast forward to college which I consider to be the real beginning of the end of our relationship. I ended up in an abusive relationship for about 2 years. It’s not surprising since the way she expected me to behave growing up set me up for that (I was never allowed to say no and I was expected to put her needs ahead of mine). Towards the end of that abusive relationship when everyone around me started to realize what was happening, her way to “get me out of it” was to come visit and take me shopping so I would “have more self esteem”. She then left my college town and went back home and left me right where I was (metaphorically and physically).

I ended up trying to take my life a few weeks later because things got so bad. I called her to come get me the next morning (when my attempt obviously failed) and the first thing out of her mouth was “how could you let these litter boxes get so bad”. I then got Baker Acted but during my brief stay in the actual hospital before I was committed, she was joking and laughing and taking a Snapchat of them sewing up my cut wrist.

When my time was up in the center I went back home to live with my mom again (I had just graduated college) and got a job at a sushi place. It was horrible…I was sexually harassed by my manager almost every day but I was too beaten down to really do anything to defend myself. I spent that summer drinking and smoking and just trying to “not be there”. My mom would tell everyone she could about what happened to me and what I tried to do. I remember having to shush her at a Chipotle when we got lunch with my brother because she was talking so loudly about it. At no point in time did she suggest I should get therapy for what happened.

A few months later things kind of came to a head. She got extremely drunk (she’s always had a bit of a drinking problem) and starting projecting everything that happened on my youngest brother. Talking about how she afraid to let him go out on his own cuz she’s afraid he was going to kll himself. This ended up in a HUGE fight and her demanding to see what was on my phone and who I was texting “about her” (a trigger point cuz she used to go through our phones after school in HS). I refused to give it to her since I was like 25 at this point and she lost it. I’ll never forget her saying to me “you deserve everything that happened to you because you’re fcking crazy” before she drove off absolutely drunk out of her mind. We waited for her to come back and took off after her car when we saw her reentering the driveway…she basically ran over my youngest brother before I could jump through the open window and grab the keys from the ignition. The next day she pouted about how we all ganged up on her and had no idea how hard everything was for her.

We didn’t keep contact much after that…I distanced myself and went off to grad school. After I graduated we tried to reconnect…we did some therapy together but it was more an opportunity for her to vent about things annoying her in her life- we really didn’t talk about any past trauma or anything that we needed to address, but we were able to be pleasant with each other at least. That was fine for a time, but things have deteriorated again (no surprise there).

I moved to a state where my “Nana” (her mother) lived partially because I love the place and grew up visiting, but also to be near my Nana who I was always close with. The closeness is no longer the case…I came out as nonbinary and AUDHD to my family and my Nana basically wants nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve tried to work with her but she’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met besides my mom. The final issue I’ve had with both of them was my Nana’s house. It’s the house my mom grew up in and we always went to visit and stay in as a huge family and we all kind of considered it the “family house”, which was a sentiment mirrored by my Nana throughout my life. The last few years though, that changed. Now she wants to sell the house and buy something smaller since my grandpa passed. I understand that except she can’t really take care of herself anymore. My mom has been trying to get her to move in with them since they have extra rooms and my partner and I can move into and take care of the house (with the understanding that it’s still “the family house”). My Nana has been flat out refusing to do that, even refusing us paying her rent on the house or anything else we could think of to make the situation work. She just doesn’t want us to have it. I told my mom after all that, that I’m tired of trying to make things work and putting aside my pride for someone who has completely changed and rejected me and that I want no contact with my Nana from now on. My mom didn’t really reply to that, but replied the next day about a birthday card I had sent her a week before with absolutely no mention of the previous conversation.

After that I hadn’t heard from her until she sent an email on my 30th birthday:

“I won't make this long.... I think of you every day and miss knowing you... I wish I could be celebrating 30 years of being your mom with a call and sending the gifts sitting in waiting.... I'm not sure if this will ever be something we fix and put behind us... I love you dearly and it hurts to not be in touch... I will respect your space....but I finally realized today as your Mom...I couldn't let your birthday go by without telling you I love you. I do... Mom”

It’s typical of her to say stuff like this…she never really takes accountability or apologizes. The most annoying for me was how she’s apparently holding presents hostage until I talk to her again and that she felt I needed to know she was considering not* telling me she loved me on my birthday and she just* realized she’s a mom. I also never told her I needed space.

I also just found out from my sister that my Nana did end up moving in with my mom and is still selling the house. So just an extra slap in the face there.

I’m just over it. I feel like her parent and part of the reason I keep trying to be civil is because she takes things out on my siblings who live near her and I feel responsible for them. But at the end of the day, I can’t sacrifice my mental health for fear of what she might do to other people. She’s not emotionally or psychologically supportive of me and she doesn’t contribute anything to my life other than negativity. She supports my Nana who is transphobic because “she’s old and deserves to be selfish and she can’t change” and never seems to have my best interests at heart. I’m ready for this relationship to be over.

Sorry if this information is too much or all over the place - I wasn’t sure what to include.

TL;DR my mom is emotionally immature and has constantly been a negative, borderline abusive presence in my life and I’m ready for the relationship to end.