Idk if its the job, my mental health, my illness. I’m bipolar and have spent the last 3ish years working in a very busy 911 area, which i know isn’t long. I’m good at my job, but its become clear that my empathy is gone. I recently became single and have tried meeting people, but I’ve made this such a big part of my life (working 100 hour weeks, advanced school, studying for rn school) that i think I’ve become emotionally retarded. I used to be really good with woman and people in general, now I’m either too anxious to make friends or i just don’t give a shit. I think the only people I’m really actually nice to are my patients and my coworkers that I’m trauma bonded with.

Idk man. I think its probably me and not the job. I feel like i can’t separate emotions anymore. I can be talking a pretty girl and at the same thinking “wow its crazy we’re talking about the lion king when less than 12 hours ago i saw a dead kid”. I’m not the same person i was three years ago, at all. I’m grumpier, I’m meaner, I’m always anxious and since the end of my last relationship (she was an EMT too), more depressive and harder to control symptoms of bipolar.

I know I’m rambling and feel free to delete, i just figure you guys might get it. I dont feel good anymore; i drive in my service area and its like ghosts of past calls on every street. I should probably leave EMS and maybe do something else until i finish the rn, but the schedule and money almost make that almost impossible.

Well anyways thanks for reading