Ive been suffering extreme self sabotage. Im a 18 year old male and i finished my highschool in november of 2023. For the past 6 months its been horrible and stressful with my college stuff. i live in Myanmar which is currently going through a civil war for almost 4 years as of now, electricity is on schedule, the military is portering men aged 20-35, nothing is safe here. I went to bangkok, thailand to apply my visa to the united states and today is the day i came back to my shit hole of a country. just like any other student, i would want to pursue my education overseas(not mentioning how badly i wanna flee my home country). my girlfriend(18f) is also going to the same college and also on the same intake(august). well, i got my visa rejected in bangkok and i remember everything turning grey as i walk out of the embassy, its like my future going downhill before my eyes. it feels horrible seeing my parents at the entrance wondering if i got my visa approved :// i went to the embassy with a mindset to not get my visa rejected and i swear i forced myself to be composed and not over react during the interview. once we leave the embassy to look for a cab home, a thought of killing myself by traffic flashed in my eyes but i kept myself extremely composed just because my parents are here. i wouldn't believe i could be writing this if my parents weren't there beside me. back home, everything is in darkness i cried and slept for hours i remember not eating anything that day. i knew what i want to do is very wrong but something is telling me to do it regardless. it feels satire saying these but it's true i wouldn't bully someone whos going through these. the same thought of killing myself occured a couple more times with different scenarios i swear. my family is extremely loving, my girlfriend is my biggest supporter, idk whats making me do these. i used to feel extremely depressed during my highschool but not to a level where i would want to end myself. i feels like im a different person when im alone, its like im acting how people want me to be when im in public. lately ive been feeling like pursuing my career as an athlete and stop my education. playing games no longer relieve anything from me, ive been feeling like i should pursue MMA(mixed martial arts, basically human cock fighting)as a career since ive done boxing when i was young and im a big fan of the sport. i felt like doing combat sport would be perfect for me because i love to take my anger out on something. well ive to get myself interviewed on june 4th for my visa, if i get this rejected again my parents cant afford to send me to another country. this visa is the last thing i need to get completed :///