Two years ago I met a man that walked into my life like sunshine after a long period of rain. Our first date was easy; the conversation flowed and was effortless. There was passion between us as well as a great deal of dysfunction. He took the time to break down my emotional walls. He was so sweet it melted me but triggered every sort of abandonment issue I had. I knew I wasn’t ready and I regret not walking away when I had the chance to disconnect; it has been the cause of excruciating pain for the last two years.

I miss him so much I dream of him. There were nights I prayed for him. I cried for him for the year that he wasn’t talking to me, aching for his presence in my life. The times that we tried to reconnect he had changed from the warm, loving, gentle man I first met into someone cold and emotionally manipulative. I blamed myself for so long but this very last time I started to understand that it really hadn’t been my fault; but still I cannot seem to let him go.

No one feels like him. No one. I tried sleeping with someone else and threw myself into dating and tried to move on; but my heart will not budge. It’s so frustrating. It hurts so much and I cannot seem to make it stop. No distraction is ever enough. I’m so tired of hurting over this man. I wish I could get his face and the way it feels to be near him out of my thoughts and out of my heart but I just cannot seem to. I try to redirect my thoughts of him when they come up but I can’t control what I dream about. When I dream about him I wake up with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart.

I don’t know why I have latched onto him this way but I just want it to stop. I want to forget about him. I want to be free of the memory. I wish every day that I would just wake up not feel anything for him. I really hope one day that happens. It’s been two years now and it feels awful. Right now it just sucks so much. I don’t know why I love him this much. I just want it to stop.