I need a big brother / father figure irl. I was basically raised by women. My own big brother and father were absent (and were toxic). This year I've been trying to fill that void with the guys at school but I realize it's not the place for that.

I stay alone in my own room most of the time to preserve my mental health, but it doesn't help with the emptiness. I feel hopeless because I have helicopter parents so I never get to meet anyone outside of school. Maybe in two years when I'll (hopefully) be in university I could have more luck, but I imagine it might not be the ideal place either like school.

I don't know if/how I can ever get the warmth I need to heal. The emptiness has started manifesting physically and it hurts a lot. I'm rarely run away from my feelings, but it has begun hurting far too much for me to bear it (awareness and acceptance can only help so much), so I try to numb it with gaming or something which helped a little. But I need to find someone I can heal through...

It's often said to work on your relationship with yourself (which I have been). It's not enough. I don't get enough socializing but since I still live with my parents I can't do much about it. All I have are the crumbs of attention I can get at school. This emptiness is the biggest reason I have dark thoughts lately.