I am now realizing at 27, I have had some awful relationships. The pattern has always been that these friends or partners always kept me at a distance, were bad at intimacy and always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm very emotional, I'm an artist, but I tend to put all of my emotions there meanwhile in real life I make everything a joke and feel uncomfortable if I open up to people and worse, when people are nice to me, I get this super nervous feeling that I'm going to mess it up or they will betray me. I feel anxious attachment, because I always asked for reassurance, but I also feel avoidant in that I don't like hugs or people touching me or open genuine emotion communication. I freeze and feel... cringe?

My uprbringing was that I was always alone. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother never cared about who I was. She wanted me the way she imagined. She constantly criticized me and put me down. I have cut off contact with them.

So, now I feel so lost. I want marriage, kids, but, I feel that I have no good example, and when I think of someone actually being loving and genuine, it freaks me out. I'll lose it and it will hurt.

I'm planning to go to therapy, but I just needed to vent and would like to hear what you guys did to at least feel hopeful I can get better at this.