I was listening to my favorite podcast until they invited someone to the panel she was basically a dominatrix who told her story about humiliating another man who was same age as her. She talked about bringing him in to her home in chasity and making him do all her chores. She also said she had him on his hands and knees as she was mocking and making fun of him. I had strong negative emotions flooding as she talked to the point i closed the whole thing up as this was a kink of mine who came uninvited through traumatizing childhood who involved my mother abusing me and making me do all her house chores due to her laziness. I was humiliated mocked shamed physically and mentally abused and neglected which led to my unhealthy addiction of that kind of porn . It was an escape from life stresses and pressure and through the process, I lost all the respect i have for myself and had a major hit to myself esteem. The self hate and loathing eventually got me depressed and I’m currently on three different antidepressant medications.

The last couple of months, I got into a relationship with a girl who enjoyed being dominant with me, even though I had fun at the time of roleplaying but after that all the shame came in which made me feel very uncomfortable .

It wasn’t something I indulged in out of exploration but rather was forced on me through trauma bad childhood and through abuse I hate myself for getting triggered while watching her talk. I wanted to punch myself in the face. I wanted to break my hand. I still have these strong emotions even after closing the video.I know it is out of my control, but still its a reminder of my troubling past.I hate myself for being emotionally triggered and to some extent having sexual excitement from such talk I thought I will just listen to her and wouldn’t think much of it but that’s didnt happen and I hate myself for that.