Delusions

Work at it.
Really work, work at it
24/7
If I work
Really work
I  can do it.
Convince myself 
I don't need love
Or  affection.  
Or others..
Don’t need friends.
Or companions.

(Insert recording of Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?”)

“Take it or leave it.
I don’t need them”
So mostly I don’t.
Don’t take.
Just leave.

You can learn to be satisfied with shallow relationships.
Water Cooler buds.
“How’s the weather?”
“ How ‘bout them Oilers….”

You can learn to live being only half alive.
Live in your head and not your heart.

(Insert Simon and Garfunkel’s “I Am a Rock!”)

Now and then, 
I forget this lesson.
Now and then,
I lose my heart.
I find someone 
Who makes me…
…I dunno.
More complete.
More alive.
The whole world seems brighter
When they are near.

It doesn’t happen often.  
maybe 3-4 times
In fifty years.  
Lesser ones, 
barely infatuation 
maybe twice that.

And  it never lasts long.
A week.  A month?
Never a year.
Never long enough 
To even touch.

They come to their senses.
I’m not their type.
They have someone else.
I’m not what they’re looking for.
They want someone stable.
Without so much baggage.
Someone whole.

Rejected.
Abandoned
Once again.

This too is a lesson.
This too, I’ve learned too well.
It hurts less if you don’t get close.
It hurts less if you push them away.
It hurts less while you wait to die.