I have a big family of 7 siblings, my parents, and 15 nieces and nephews. We’re not united as a family at the moment and my parents seem to not care. They don’t call anyone and no one wants to visit them. For me, it is difficult being around them. I must speak to them for them to speak to me. Other than that, they don’t interact, only think about themselves, and ignore the rest. Growing up I had limited affection, barely any attention, no validation, and had to watch out for my mother because she could humiliate and physically punish for dumb reasons. My dad was just in bars drinking and didn’t give a crap. He tried to fix things by telling you jokes after getting a beat up from mom. Now that we’re adults, it is difficult/impossible to make friends, impossible to make romantic relationships, and have a very low self esteem. I want to get in a relationship but then I think it’s useless, that commitment is not my thing, and connection is hard for me besides physical contact. It just causes distress and panic. I just wanted to vent. I limit my interaction with them but when I do interact, it hurts feeling like a piece of shit, unwanted, unvalidated, ignored. I was that fifth child who was raised by the older sisters and who learned to be independent at a young age and not rely on others for anything, but someone developed a desire for parent validation as an adult, although I know it’s impossible and useless. It just sucks and it sucks how it has affected me in many realms of life.