So my wife (F 40) and I (M 38) have been married for 18yr and together 19. We have 4 kids. Over the last 3mo. she had become distant and I decided that I should work for our marriage and start dating her again. So that Friday we when out for dinner and wonder around the mall (it was fun) she had be sending and receiving text and I thought nothing of it, as our night come to a close we made our way home. We had made our way to the bed for some cuddle time, while I was like for a show on the TV to hide our engagements I look over to as she is texting to see msg. Like "I have to get off here", "dream about me" and an exchange of "goodnight". I got very upset and left the house without a word. After I had cool my jets, I returned home. As we discussed the problem at hand, I was meet with the new problem that her phone had malfunctioned and ALL her messages were now gone. This night end with me sleeping on the couch. That morning (Saturday) we woke up and I tried to stay calm and ask questions, She wanted to maintain that they were just friends and the conversations were neutral in nature. I did not believe this mainly because I failed to believe that her phone had conveniently lost all the messages. We kind of kept our distance the rest of the day. On Sunday morning we awoke to arguing again. The main thing about these arguments were the loss of the messages themselves( I would like to admit in some of these arguments. I was no angel and may have of made some threats to telling the individual's wife and his employer). She then had to leave to go assist her family and taking care of her grandfather. Around 2 o'clock that day I had decided that it might be pertinent to message this individual (M 35) (And here shortly you'll see why the time is important) And he did not return my message until around 3:45. After conversating with him, i was Lead to be in a false sense of hope, And the rest of our evening was fine. Fast forward tuesday curiosity finally got the better of me and I checked the logs with the phone company. To my disappointment When I look at the phone logs I come to find that they had been exchanging messages of around 2500 msg a month for the last 3 mo. And as I had examined the records for the weekend. I come to find out that He had message to my wife at around 3 o'clock and they exchanged messages until he texted me at at 3:45. ( So what I could only assume is them corroborating their stories) After I got home from work I confronted her. And ask to look at her messages over the weekend. According to the logs they had message each other around fifteven. When I looked at her phone she only had one message from him. I asked her if she had deleted messages of which she denied deleting any. I then showed her the logs And she Admitted to deleting the messages only from after phone "freaked out". From there we have had our ups and downs and our arguments and discussions over the next week. And her grandfather had passed away the way during that week. So I did try to be on my best behavior over the weekend and that week until after the funeral on the following Monday.

(So far at this point the main reason i've been able to gather is that I had stopped giving her affection outside of sex. ( I would like to note that this is true. Although i've Never been a very tectile person, I had gotten into a cycle of if she's not gonna give me the things that I need. Why should I do the same for her. And over the last few years I had been trying to communicate that she wasn't meeting my needs. And she does admit and acknowledge that I had been communicating that.))

Unfortunately come to find out after looking at the logs again she had been texting him through the weekend And on the tuesday after. When I got home from work I then asked her to see her phone again. I again noted that a message was missing compared to the logs. So I asked her about it and she denied knowing. So I then proceed to ask her to contact the individual and ask for a screenshot. Of which she did and there was a message missing but it was insignificant at best. So I chalked it up to an accident And thanked her for doing so. But not before I was treated unfairly for my current insecurity.

So far since then our arguments have consisted around the fact that i've asked her to stop texting him and she continues to do so. And continues to maintain that she wants to have that friendship with him even after this and against my wishes.

I've asked her if the roles were reversed would she feel the same if I wanted to continue to have a friendship with an individual If all details were the same, and she does concede that she wouldn't like it at all. But I don't understand why she can't hold herself to that standard.

I've also tried explaining that by her not respecting my wishes. It is her placing me in second place and choosing him over us.

I hope that I have gotten everything and it's understandable to read. This has been a very long three weeks With very little sleep in lots of stress. So any advice would be appreciated because i'm not sure where to go or what to do.

Thanks