I've had to do a lot of introspection and soul searching for the past week.

I'm too emotionally exhausted to relay everything that's happened, if you're not familiar with the backstop just check my post history.

I made a phone call to the domestic abuse hotline, mostly seeking validation, of the "my couples counselor doesn't know wtf she's talking about, clearly I'm being abused" variety.

It's impossible to be objective about yourself, I can try my damndest not to, but ultimately I'm going to make myself sound better than I am. That's what made it so easy for me to accept it when, despite the inherent bias in my retelling, they told me that "no, you are not being abused, and you are infact the abuser."

That's not who I want to be. I am overwhelmed with the shame that I have hurt the person that I love. I want to fall into a pit and never climb back out.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to give them the space they need, to stop myself from violating their boundaries. I am committed to making myself into a better person, to never hurting someone like this again, but the voice at the back of my head tells me that I'm just being selfish. "Sure, you're trying to get better, but you're just doing it for yourself. You just don't want to lose them. You are a coward."

I don't think anyone here can tell me anything to make me feel better. I don't want anyone to make me feel better. I told you all that my spouse hurt me, and now that I know the truth I can't let that stand, I can't let anyone, no matter how distant and disconnected from my situation they are, think that this person who has shown me infinite patience and kindness, was the one who hurt me. I hurt myself, just as I hurt them.

If you believe in a higher power, please ask them to help me. I don't believe, but if I want to salvage my relationship, and never hurt anyone like this again, I'll take all the help I can get.

Sincerely,

A broken man.