I have been reading “Why Does He Do That” for the past few days.  At first I didn’t tell my husband, I think because I know the label of “abuser” really bothers him and I didn’t want to make him upset or make him feel bad, but I was starting to recognize his patterns and react accordingly which he was picking up on.  Because of this, I decided to tell him what I was reading and explain some of what I have learned.  We launched into a conversation/argument that almost point for point some of the tactics brought up in the book which I pointed out to him also.  I feel like reading the book gave me some power through clarity of the situation but after talking to him I feel more confused.  He denied calling his behavior abusive and instead likes to acknowledge that was controlling.  He also keeps bringing up that there are things he wants me to change too but doesn’t harp on me about them and that he feels like I am trying to blame him 100% for our problems when I created the problems too.  And he wants me to know that he really still loves me and was never intentionally “controlling” of me.  I think logically I should see all of this as “normal” behavior for an abuser but in reality now I’m really shaken.  I think he really is trying to change, he has made some definite progress in certain areas, and he can be great some times.  After our conversation I find myself really questioning again if it was abuse.  I didn’t have a solid answer for all of the points he brought up so now I’m really just wondering if I’m being too harsh or being unfair.  I just don’t know what to think right now.