I left my abuser 3 days ago. I know it's still fresh but I'm so frustrated with the fact that I feel so incredibly guilty for leaving him. I know it's just manipulation but he acted as if I broke his heart and that hurt so bad. I still love him, despite 16 years of emotional abuse. I still want his arms around me, I want to run back to him. I keep thinking "maybe if I was different, maybe if I had been better, it wouldnt have been that way." I know that's not true but I can't shake the thoughts and the feelings. I feel like there's a void in my life, I keep having moments where I want to tell him something and remember I can't. I just want this to end, I want to move on and know I did the best thing for me but how do I do that after 16 years? I'm so lost..I cry so much, I think about my old life and just sob.

I'm also terrified, I've literally never been on my own. I met him when I was 18. I lived my whole early adult life with him. I grew up with him. How do I go about being independent again? I was so dependent on him for everything. How do I discover who I am, and what I want out of life? I know I know I know this is for the best, I know I made the right move. But I keep thinking about all the good times and the sweet moments that came after the cycle of abuse and it causes me so much pain.

I'm trying my best, I really am. It doesn't help that I have friends willing to be patient and kind with me and I'm pushing them away because I feel like I'm being a burden by being so fucking sad.

So yea, when does it all end?