I don't really care about making an alt, I just need to type this out. 22M 6'1 163lbs

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Recent graduate from a prestigious university. Back at home for past 6 months, and cannot find a job. Started my job search 3 months ago, so I'm not exactly freaking out. It's how it goes. I'm a Type A person so it's hard to have this much downtime. I stopped working restaurant gigs, trying to find a full time position in my field of research. The thing that's fucked me though is that the restaurant gigs would give me food to eat and the pay to keep buying groceries. I'm already vulnerable to ED, grew up in a family that was into alternatives to western medicine, shit like that yk. Water fasts as a kid, not allowed to eat a good amount of things. Wasn't out of ignorance, but sadly we just were never well enough to really sustain a meatless diet.

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A lot of pre-amble to get to my point. My last two years of undergrad I was a wreck. I was living alone for the first time my junior year and the first couple of months were rough. I got back on opioids and benzes a couple months into the second semester. I stopped communicating with my family. I was a wreck, dropping hundreds on other peoples scripts. I just was happy to finally get some clean opioids. Once an addict always an addict I guess.

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Fast forward. Senior year. Still rough. Hard time finishing thesis. I get on stimulants to finish it. Now I'm prescribed and it's chill.

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FF some more, I'm back at home, no more traveling the world, no more hanging out till 4am with friends, no more playing live shows, no more anything fun. Life is grey, and I want back in. I'm a model, signed to a mother agency. Have the face for it, but my body was always soft. Skinny fat in hs. These last two years though I've been losing weight drastically during drug binges. But not drastic enough. Now that I'm quite literally too broke to eat (most of the family is underfed right now too, but they at least snack on bullshit, eat a couple meals a day even if they're not the healthiest).

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It's been bad this whole holiday season, but between holiday cooking and going to family houses, I was able to get by. Now that its over... This past week I've had 4 shots of vodka, 6/7 Hershey kisses, a lot of water, and 10mg adderall everyday. Some vitamins when I remember. My head is always hurting. My breath stinks. My girlfriend broke up with me for reasons not related to this at all, my own dishonesty. I'm a wreck. Feels like my only chance is to continue starving myself to the point that I lose as much fat as possible. I don't care about losing muscle. That will be the focus going into recovery. I'm already a skinny guy, especially for a tall black guy, but I want my waist to be paper thin. Last time it was like that, I was on drugs in college. Percocet, cocaine, whatever I could get my hands on from friends. Now I'm a bit more solid all around, developed some muscle from casual weightlifting and working out past year. Not a lot, but def more built than I was last year.

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I just wanna disappear. I want to walk fashion week, and I want to be skinny like the guys who get to walk. I cant afford to eat, so why not? This was always inevitable. In fact, it feels like I've been doing myself a disservice by not committing sooner. I wanna keep doing push ups and pull ups to the best of my ability, but my mind already feels compromised. my muscles ache, I'm more depressed than usual. But I know that if I commit I can look like christian bale in the machinist in a few months.

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I'm afraid to even admit it, but I have a friend who is skinnier than me and I am so jealous of him. It eats at me because I hate jealousy and its something I try to never let consume me, but just hanging out and seeing how small his waist is without sucking in, how flat his stomach is, it just makes me wanna die inside. I want nothing more than to be skinny. I know we're told it is our delusion, that somehow our problems will be solved if we were skinnier. But I can't help but feel as if it's true for me, just off the strength of being this broke and in need of more modeling opportunities. I wanna be taken seriously as a model.

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I had posted a shirtless pic during one of my unhealthiest binges / not eating moments. I saw a notification that said "you look so good skinny". My ribs were showing bad. I opened the message and she deleted it and said something else, another tamer compliment. She had caught herself. She knew I wasn't in a healthy space and was validating unhealthy behavior. But from then on, it confirmed all that I knew already. I will get the love, attention, validation, opportunity, and care when I lose as much body fat as humanly possible.