I've been trying to recover as I literally wouldn't eat more than 350kcal a day for awhile and went from 224lbs to 200lbs in like 2.5 weeks. It kinda scared me because I got really dizzy at one point holding my son and I really thought I was going to drop him. So... I've been trying to eat more again.

But I just can't do it. I LOVE the feeling of being hungry. I love watching the weight go down on tue scale. I love feeling like I'm in control. And even if I didn't, I can't control it anymore. If I eat my brain screams at me, telling me all these things that I know but am trying to not pay attention to. I know I'm not in control. I know that the whole "I'm doing it to have control over something" is a facade and just something I'm saying so I can maintain the illusion that this isn't something completely awful for me and my mental health.

But I can't help but not want to recover anymore. Not when it feels this good! And I know, trust me I KNOW, it won't feel this good forever, or even for long. I got down to being underweight and it was so physically taxing to do anything. But I can't help but not care right now.

So I don't want to try and recover, even though I know how bad I get when I'm relapsing. I should for my son, but I just can't.

Thank you for letting me vent.