Hey reddit, just wondering if anyone has any advice for someone who isnt really sure about much of anything except that he feels like shot most of the time.

I'd say I've noticed something (which I called depression) for about 15 years now (I'm 27 currently). August of last year brought the end of a 5 year relationship for me, and together along with work stresses and poor habits I nearly broke down, maybe I did, I dunno.

Anyways I left work for 4 months, began seeing my doc and I've been diagnosed with Dysthemia. I returned to work a month ago, began taking some meds and am trying to improve my poor habits but I cant seem to shake the remains of the break up.

We were together for 3 years, and lived together for the last of those. She moved to Europe for school, abd we planned to have me meet her a year or so later when she'd finished her year, and I completed my own studies. After a while, our communication slowed but Id never thought it was heading to an end, in fact I was thinking about how long to wait to ask her to marry me after we joined each other.

After a few stressful situations in my own life, I asked if we could talk because I needed help spring it all out in my head. She obliged and seemed fine until the end where she neglected to respond to my "I love you". Now you see, after 5 years, saying "i love you" back is a habitual action that requires intention in order to avoid. And it hit me, she was planning her leave. I freaked out. I got angry, desperate, even a little emotionally cruel because she wouldn't really give me straight answers or allow me to rebuke, and I broke up with her almost instantly.

In hindsight, she made some good points- for example, that I'd used her as a crutch. On the other hand she never really explained herself or her feelings in time, and then blamed my anger (somewhat validly) for not engaging with my questions at the end.

It took her 5 months to settle how she was going to grab her stuff, and she asked me to fix the date so she could see her cousin on the same day as she wouldn't have been home long. I refused, because it seemed like she didn't care about me or my feelings or my need o get er stuff out, and ten expected tat kind of favour. It was vindictive of me, I know. The day she was to pick up she finally deleted my nickname from her phone (which I got a notification for) It made me feel like it was salvageable until that point despite all the other signs. I asked her again if she'd like to go over, for closure, and she refused.

Since that time, I sent an apology letter out to her, which she found considerate but announces that she didnt want to engage in any dialogue. Now I have no idea what to do.

I regret breaking up with her, I'm still angry at how she acted, bitterly disappointed might be a better way to put it, but my feelings about my own actions are similar, except in greater force, and I just have no one to talk to about it. My friends and family all assume I'm over it, or are visibly tired of my miserable soul searching.

Moreover, neither her or I knew what I was dealing with when it happened, as I was diagnosed with Dysthemia monts after. I dont understand her actions, and I know she doesn't understand mine, and after the results of the apology letter I think it would be obtuse to just barrage her. Finally, I stand by all my apologies, however, I didn't include the things I'm still upset about because I didn't want to take away from the sincerity of the apology.

So, with no closure and no realistic potential for a correspondence, how does someone whos newly diagnosed with Dysthemia manage this? How do I recognize what I was responsible for to the degree that I ought to feel this way (Im not proud,if you can't tell). How do I recognize those things that I couldn't exactly help, and that I should be easier on myself for? How do I get her out of my head, or learn to live with her there? How do I manage this incredible loneliness, when I recognize that I'm not in the healthiest spot to begin new relationships? What an I supposed to take from all this?