So not diagnosed yet, but my friend thinks my past sounds very similar to his dyspraxia, and thinks I might have a learning disability similar to his

I know deep down a diagnosis is the right thing, but I have a huge block of Shame that pushes me down

A shame that has been built up from a tyrannical parent who thought I was stupid for not trying laces, spanked for being bad at maths (for every wrong answer ) and a couple of other memories to dig through. Then high school treated stupidly for bad social skills, crying, bad at sports, doing really gross things like sucking thumb until 15, and other gross stuff, and the shame I felt for being placed in remedial classes An internalised ableism that developed in me which shames me more to have ableist views, the kind of "I can't be disabled because of X"

It's a huge amount of shame that I feel more ashamed for having in the first place