Hi,

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I guess i'm just posting here looking for some help. I got arrested for a DUI about a month ago and seriously struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc...

Some backstory: I got arrested in January while walking home super drunk from working at a bar (college). Had cocaine on me and boom automatic PI and POCS. Now fast forward 10 months. I've graduated college, moved back in with my parents to get financial stability (lol) and got out of the bar industry completely!

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Last month, on a Friday after getting incredible news that my cancer test came back negative (woo!) and my first big closed deal at work, I hit Happy Hour with some co-workers. I drove home, and slammed into my neighbors car while looking away from the road. Made even worse by the fact that it was to be me and my 3 year-old nephews first sleepover together, and he saw everything (doesn't remember but still).

(keeping in mind my POCS charge still hasn't been resolved) I was arrested of course, and while being booked was kinda freaking out about "wanting to die". I blew .15 at the jail (TX). So, they put me in isolation/suicide watch. I was naked with only a blanket for about 24 hours because they kind of forgot about me (my name is androgynous and they thought i was a boy, and so i didn't even see the magistrate until 5pm the next day). I was arrested at 7pm on Friday and got out at 10 the next night.

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In addition, my neighbor is now suing me for punitive damages (he wasn't in the car but is claiming to have been). I feel like such a failure. I feel like there is no way out of this massive hole I have dug myself. Every dollar i make at work (thank god i have a job at least) is going to paying for lawyer fees, intoxalock fees, everything. Every inch of progress it feels like i get another huge slap to the face. I want to die and the only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of my mom. I can't be alone, or in a room with the door closed. I used to work out, be passionate, care about things...and now after work i just go home and lay in bed and cry.

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It feels like the end of my world, so I guess I've turned to you, reddit. Does it get better? and how? Will i ever stop hating myself?