is this relatable to anyone? yesterday was day 5 and i was really struggling, my lizard brain would've probably made me walk to the store and buy wine if i had the money but i purposefully spent my last money on makeup the day before because i knew that was gonna happen. from 3pm until i forced myself to just go to bed at 9pm i had crazy obsessive thoughts about how i could obtain money/alcohol. i've asked family/friends to borrow money before and i've never stolen booze but i stole other stuff before, so those were definitely going through my mind. but i didn't wanna disappoint the people in my life and feel embarrassed by asking for money, and i thought nah the stealing is below me now it's been so long since i've done that... so i went to bed and just woke up fresh and clean at 8am. then i had this little conversation with myself in my head:

"wow i'm proud of you for not drinking last night" "as if i could've lol i didn't even have money" "... because you anticipated that you might buy alcohol so you bought something else. that's good" "exactly i can't even hold on to my own money lmao what kind of adult am i" "one that takes care of herself. also you didn't ask anyone to Venmo you when you know at least 4 people that would've" "that's just because of my anxiety not because i didn't want to drink"

like I keep discrediting myself and it's realllyy annoying because today i got paid and i actually don't want to drink, i looked into food that stimulates GABA and i think it's a lot more fun to be "scientific" with my food like that to make sure my neurotransmitters are happy rather than downing a bottle of wine every night. but for some reason i can't be happy or proud for myself. is that my alcoholic voice or what ?!