Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. I am hoping to find others in a situation like mine, as I am sure there are many. I am an alcoholic that is struggling to quit. I am also very routine-oriented, and I think this may be one of the problems that I am facing as well.

I am a 36/M currently living in California. I have been drinking since I was 16 or so. My alcohol of choice is beer, and it is all that I drink. I think I am a binge drinker since I have had sober periods throughout my life, even staying sober for 5 years before my current binge. This binge has lasted about 2 years now. I have drank daily for the past year. Every night, I drink between 75 to 125 oz of beer. I drink the Budweiser 25 oz "tallboys", and sometimes switch to Bud Light. I average 100 oz a night, but sometimes drink an extra or drink one less.

I have been wanting to quit for months now, but I just don't. I don't know why I am having a hard time quitting besides that fact that I enjoy drinking. My body is turning into trash and I am no longer the man I used to be, just a shell or facade. I feel like I am letting everyone around me down, including myself. But I still drink everyday. It's just what I do, I guess.

Yesterday, I took a trip to Los Angeles with my wife for a test she had to take. For the first time in months, I did not drink that night at the hotel. I had a difficult time sleeping and was anxious the next day, but I did not have any other withdrawal symptoms. I felt proud of myself for not drinking even though I was in a situation that I would normally drink in (staying in a hotel room away from home, dealing with rowdy children, etc.). The strangest thing was, though, that I did not have a desire to drink the next night! I planned on just taking a sleeping pill and going to bed.

Unfortunately, for some stupid reason that I don't understand, I ended up drinking anyway. My wife wanted to celebrate passing her test and asked me to pick up some beers for us to enjoy. So I went to the store and bought 3 Bud Lights and a few beers for her. The next day, I woke up hungover (which is rare for me these days) even though I drank the least amount that I normally drink (75 oz at 4.2%). I also feel ashamed and disappointed in myself because I had NO plans on drinking the night before and did anyway.

I could have told my wife that I didn't want to drink and she would have been fine with it (even happy about it), but I still went and got the beer. EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T WANT IT. I don't understand why I went and bought the shit when I had every reason not to. I feel so pissed at myself about the situation, but equally confused on why I even did it.

I guess I just wanted to write out all this to try and vent out my frustration. I do not plan on drinking tonight, and I hope that I don't. Thank you for reading all this.

TL;DR: I drank last night even though I didn't want to and don't understand why. I am disappointed in myself and worried that I will continue to drink even though it is slowly killing me.