Forwarning, I have to just write this down. Maybe to remind myself later on when I'm bored with life again and have an urge to fight. Maybe some of yall would like to to chat. Or maybe I'm just so happy to feel somewhat alive again that I need to say something Nonetheless, I need a place to get it out of my head for once because my therapist needs a break from me. I don't know.

Anywho, I have never went through WDs that fucking hard before. I had about a couple months sober since coming out of rehab and found a bottle on Thanksgiving. This led to a binge that went through till saturday morning. Its early wednesday and I finally dont feel like absolute crippled shit anymore. Saturday, sunday, monday and most of tuesday I literally couldnt do anything besides watch tv and wait for it to be over.

Whenever I tried to drink water I'd just puke up blood or bile until my eyes felt like grapefruits. The nausea was so ruthless and I couldnt stop sweating. The shakes were so ridiculous and worse than when i was drinking a fifth a day for months on end. Not to mention I felt like my skin was crawling which helped drive me to the point of straight up insanity. My skin is also so fucking dry and my hair feels like straw like the good ol' days. Fuck.

Sleeping was a thing of the past and was, quite frankly, the only thing I wanted to do becuase the fucking fear was that unmanageable. I've gotten it before but my god not like how it was (especially on sunday). I just couldnt stand being alive. When I did manage to sleep my dreams were so fucked I'd wake up in a panic attack. Every thing that gave me dread haunted my dreams like they were waiting for me. Id have to run from people trying to kill me, run from huge ass snakes, even go back to school and take tests. Like wtf.

Lastly the shadow people came back. As soon as I saw that nonsense I kept the fucking light on. Fuck all of that.

All in all, I can't describe the joy I feel now that most of the suffering has passed. I couldnt do another day of that. It was either hospital or drink more before any more of my sanity was jeopardized. This lifestyle is just straight up torture.