I fucked up badly last week. Got drunk at work, basically blacked out driving home. It was a fucking God awful mess of a day that is completely unacceptable. Decided I can't keep this lifestyle going and took sobe days off work to get sober. Had two days sober and couldnt sleep for shit due to wd and nightmares. Got my hands on a couple benzos and took one to catch some rest. All good. I can get through this. That was until I found a pint of wild Turkey 101 and killed it to feel loved again. Right back to the shakes and awfulness. Funny how my first drink into CA land is the same one that was the last.

Took the other benzo the next night for sleep and now, with another, I'm doing the same to hopefully be rested for work tomorrow. I'm sad I can't drink anymore. Or at least for a little while, i dont know. Maybe on the weekends. Maybe not. I'm scared for the future.

They always say you have to want to quit to make it work. I'm not really sure that I ever wanted to I just knew I had to. I mean it was either sobriety, jail, or death. Even with the ruined relationships (sorry Mel), fights, debt, and other fucked up events that brought me here, I don't regret a thing. I hold all the blame but I guess it's in the past. Let's see if I can hang this time around.

Chapter One