39m here. Like others, no arrests or fights or dui…but I have Been drinking heavily for the past 20 years. 3-4 nights a week and mostly all days and nights on the weekends…then covid hit and it went to pretty much every day. The past few months I’d drink for 7-10 days and go through several nights of night sweats as withdrawal and stop for a week, then go back to it. I was good about generally not starting until late afternoon, but recently I’d wake up and start having a few drinks. It started on weekends when I knew I would be able to take a nap and my wife could take care of the 4 kids (6,3.5, 15 month twins). Lately, it’s been weekdays. I’d get up with the kids at 6, feed everyone breakfast and make lunches for the older kids while having a couple beers, drop kids off at school (walking), then take twins for a long walk while drinking a beer. I never got drunk, I just needed to take the edge off. I would nap when they napped and then not drink again until evening. Rinse and repeat.

The withdrawals have gotten worse. I’m currently on day 4 sober and barely slept the first few nights. Night sweats like crazy. Last night wasn’t too bad, got some sleep and light sweating. Of course my twins woke up at 530 today, but I feel ok all things considered.

My mom was an alcoholic and died last year at age 65 not from that per se, but throat cancer. She was still very ill from drinking for so many years. My dad is alcoholic but he stopped drinking 35 years ago. Alcoholism runs further back in my families as well.

I just read about kindling this week and it seems like that’s where I’m at. I’m so disappointed in myself. I was the one who got away-went to Ivy League school, had a great job after college that allowed me to travel, have an amazing wife and kids…yet here I am, in the same fucking boat as everyone else. I guess it was a fun 20 years. I never stopped drinking long enough before to experience withdrawals. Now that I have, it sucks. I’m thankful for what seem to be minor symptoms compared to what I’ve read here and on other subs.

I’m still processing everything. My wife and two older kids are gone for the weekend, so I’m with my twins solo (which is fine, I’m a stay at home dad so used to taking care of them by myself). I’m trying to find a silver lining in that I have to stop now, there’s no other option, and because of that my kids’ memories of me being a drunk will be minimal. I’ll be able to remember all their birthday parties and not make an ass of myself for getting too drunk. I’m going to save a shitload of money.

It’s going to be hard. I live in a small social town with a constant flow of booze at every event. My in laws are loaded and have an open bar whenever we visit. All my friends are drinkers. I’d like to think I’ll be able to get to a point where I can enjoy a glass of wine with steak or a cold beer at a bbq or a frozen cocktail at the beach…but it just doesn’t seem like I have that option. I can’t go through these withdrawals, and I certainly can’t handle going to the hospital for a seizure. Nor can I allow anything to happen to me while I’m alone with the kids. I’m so disappointed in myself.