I'm drunk again and remembered this subreddit. I'm not really sad, I just feel numb/neutral about how sometimes it feels like no one cares about interacting with me. Like I faintly felt like that before quarantine, but now it's been intensified. Online connections have been increasing right? So why does it seem likes no one wants to talk to me? Some of my friends are just naturally already like that, but all of them? Why am I the one checking on everyone. Why am I the one that's putting effort into an interest when it feels like they aren't reciprocating. Is there something wrong with me? Every time I ask this question the answer is I have flaws but I try my best. I try not to hurt people if it can be avoided, I'm honest, I'm kind, I try new things and I'm willing to share my interests or share in someone else's. I try to understand how someone feels as best as I can and communicate. So why do I feel like this. Why am I numb instead of happy. I don't suffocate anyone either, I deliberately limit to two messages because I've learned from past experiences and anxiety spirals. So what the heck, why do I have to watch crazy ass videos or TV shows to feel anything. Why does it feel like most of my connections are one sided. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning now that I've out this into words, it just feels weird and uncomfortable. I hate having to walk a balance beam.