You ever boof an entire bottle of ambien? Did it on accident once because I kept forgetting that I already had some pills in my jailhouse pocket. Took just three hours to destroy the whole house in a deranged stupor as I hallucinated the gates of hell opening before my eyes.

Speaking of hell, I once visited the depths of that place of brimstone and cactus dildos while in the fourth plateau of a DXM trip. Definitely happened because I was playing the caves theme from The Binding of Isaac on repeat; the original flash version, specifically. Man that got the skin crawling and feeling like doom was paramount. Made me stop masturbating to horse porn, at least.

Then there's the time I took a fuckton of barbiturates before going on a date at the mall. In the span of a half an hour, I passed out while eating a cheeseburger, cut two tally marks in my arm with a dirty razorblade I found, and whipped out my severely shrunken ham candle. Needless to say, I didn't get a phone call back.

Next up, I should say that I've only done crack once, for six days straight. Did it in broad daylight right in the abandoned storefront on the side of the busiest street in Miami Beach. At least I didn't masturbate there like my friend and fellow gang member did.

Oh, what next? Probably should go over Benadryl, my anathema. Of all the drugs in the world, this is the one that I'm addicted to. I hate it; I hate it so much! But, I can't help it. It just feels too good to fantasize for hours and hours about being a whore of a woman taking an average of twenty-four stranger's dicks a day in a frenzy of hedonistic bareback pleasure. I don't know, I think it has something to do with my sister.

And on that note, you ever start taking copius amounts of meth while homeless during a six year psychotic break caused by a random pop-up on your computer while on acid? And then, if you did do that, did you then come to believe that aliens were commanding you to form a sex cult by being atomic levels of fucked up on Reddit, brazenly shotgunning as many posts and comments across the site talking about your giant incest fetish? Got the FBI to v& me for that one. Fun times.

Anyways, I suppose you want to know why I'm telling you these very true stories. It's because I wanted to tell you some of the journey I've been on while I became a spiritual leader. I've been teaching people about philosophy, spirituality, and mental health for seven years now, and I'm at the point where the CIA is involved and is helping me form a cult; a real one this time. Dead ass serious. We just started a subreddit, r/cultofcrazycrackheads, and there's a plan to become famous by using incest and other wholesome topics to teach how to be an enlightened master. Thus, we need your help to be the biggest gaggle of crackheads imaginable. This is seriously what I'm doing with my life. I'm a genius, and I'll teach you how to be just like me if you are bored of living a normal life. Ok, bai, I gotta go back to my regularly scheduled program of drinking beer and writing propaganda for the Illuminati.