I am the last of my mother’s children. My sister was born 3 years before me. And I have two older half brothers, the eldest is 15 years older than me, the second I really don’t know his age for sure, he was likely born from a one time thing with a neighbour my mum has kept secret for years. This brother very likely has anti-social personality disorder, and was allegedly given marijuana to smoke by his father at a young age, with alleged early signs of mental illness such as audible conversations with an imaginary friend, blaming each other for misbehaviour.

My mum became a Christian a year or so before my sister was born. My dad and mum spent 10 years living abroad for work, my eldest brother left before I was born to live with his father back home, my second brother stayed and we moved to a country nearby to start a new life. Dad would also travel sometimes for work, I can’t remember how long or how often he’d be gone though.

From a young age I was exposed to my brother’s volatile behaviour and my dad tried to stop it by beating him. And my sister started bullying me, verbal and physical bullying being common. Maybe she resented me for being a sickly baby that my parents often worried about. Maybe it was because my dad had to leave her with someone when I was born, and this person smacked her for wetting the bed. Maybe it was being a premature baby, my early learning skills were a bit behind others my age. Maybe living in a unstable environment, thanks to my brother, made her take her frustrations out on me.

My sister had school friends over sometimes, and I would go with her sometimes to their houses. And once in pre-school one of my sister’s friend’s older brother molested me, my mum told the parents but never told my dad fearing the repercussions. She never took me to see a therapist about the experience either.

I first remember stuttering in pre-school, I did a second year to better adjust to starting school apparently. I only remember my dad getting mad and putting his hands on my neck once, but I think my mum probably slapped my face 3 times in my childhood.

In my third school year my parents split up, I went and lived with my religious mum and sister, which in hindsight is one of the worst choices of my life. We moved often during those primary school years.

My brother was always allowed to stay with us, when ever he needed somewhere to go, despite his reckless behaviour, fights with my sister and secret drug abuse. My parents got divorced when I was in the 6th grade and my depressed mum made terrible choices, ending with all the divorce settlement money being gone in one year. She also had a thing for trusting the wrong people, which would be her downfall. Despite all this mum still took us to church regularly.

My step brothers witnessed my sister bully me so much that they started calling her “the evil one” behind her back, the psychical fights with her stopped eventually, but her attitude towards me never changed.

I started high school in a second hand uniform I only ever wore on the first day. Strangely never wearing the white shirt and grey shorts again, sticking with wearing the green sports uniform everyday. I had a bad stutter, social anxiety, a depressed religious mum, volatile brother and bullying religious sister to guide me.

After all the bullshit we had to put up with until then, my mum finally kicked my brother out for good after one of their big fights escalated with him slapping my sister in the face.

22 years on, and I consider myself a doomer.