I'm almost 15 weeks (4months) pregnant and he put his hands on me.. again. This "wasn't as bad" as the last time, as we get into the habit of saying through this cycle of chaos. It IS just as bad bc it shouldn't have ever happened the first time. This is the 5th or 6th time he's put his hands on me, every time besides this he has left bruises either from grabbing and squeezing so Hard or choking me. The cops were called twice in April, and of course I didn't throw him under the bus bc I would feel guilty and I do love him. But I'm at that point where I don't care anymore. And I was hoping the neighbor called the cops again (bc clearly I am having a hard time). I wanted them to come so they can see my ripped shirt and the welt on my arm.

He's a few years younger, we are both in recovery 3 years now. We have been together a little more than a year and a half and it has been alot of downs where the ups almost seem distant... we do love each other but I know thats not enough when we cant get thru the bs. He has had online affairs with men and women for over a year. And just this last time when he put his hands on me on valentines weekend.. he was cheating online until I caught him AGAIN in April which is when the cops were called bc I freaked out.... He never stopped since i caught him a year ago and he has been doing it before I caught him. I feel so stupid and ashamed... I wouldn't believe it even if he died trying to convince me. He has gaslighted and always made me out to feel crazy but I was right.. every single time.

I have tried to forgive him but this last time has really messed me up. He physically hurt me on Saturday before valentines in a drunken rage and he was secretly having his side online affairs that weekend. It was so bad I called out of work monday and broke down to My boss bc I had handprint bruises on my neck and cuts on my arm (from myself trying to get away). I even connected thru a note with the older lady from the bakery, who sees me every day. I needed someone to know just in case I just disappeared. Just in case he really killed me. He hurt me so bad that weekend, I remember thinking he was going to take my last breath. All I could think of was my kids.

This is hard for me bc my.family sucks, my brother died in October 2021, inhave no friends that I feel comfortable speaking to about this. I literally have 2 relatives I can talk to and they both live out of state. Only one of them know Im pregnant and willing to help me with my son for a few days so I can check myself.into a psych ward and get help. I have a hard time feeling worthy of being here.. I struggle with believing my kids need ME... like I am replaceable. People move on all the time from lost loved ones... thats how i justify it.

Every day I struggle to find peace, bc I know there's going to be something with either him or my mother (who has been abusive for 17years). I wanted to believe he wouldnt put his hands on me again but even just what hqppened tonight.. is not ok. I know its not. I want to get out so bad but the resources available where i am currently are very very minimal. I have been sole provider for all the bills on a 2200/month income of 40hrs a week. I stopped working OT bc he claimed he was lonely and thats why he was having online affairs.. that was last october and he JUST started paying rent this past month.. after a yr of not... and NOW "trying to be the man I need him to be"... It's too late. He assaulted me with his child in me.

I don't know how to get out and stay away, there arent many resources here.. but i do know He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be abused. Doesn't matter how good he is some days. It's not ok and now I'm worried about this baby. Im not excited and glowing.. im trying to survive... I want to be happier but I'm depressed, sad and scared. I just want to disappear.