TW suicide mention

I mean, given that he's hooking up with his ex who still wants him, and they text all day every day, I thought he had another relationship on deck so he'd be less likely to retaliate or kill himself. And I thought if I waited too long maybe that ex would move on and not want him back anymore and it would ruin my safety net. But also he was being unbearably physically affectionate to me and it made me feel sick and I didn't know how to say no without telling him I don't love him. I couldn't stand it anymore.

But I was supposed to wait until I was actually set up to leave! I don't even have secret emergency exit bags for me and the kids. I feel like I've screwed them over. He says he won't stop me from going, but he's making me feel like I'm not capable of surviving without him. God, as aggressively as I've been searching, I don't even have any job interviews yet.

I know he's suicidal and he knew how bad it would freak me out but I woke up this morning and he was missing. His car was gone and he wouldn't answer calls or texts. He showed up not too long after; I think this was probably an intentional stunt to terrify me, and it sure frickin worked. He didn't speak to me and just walked past and shut himself in his room. He later texted me a time and location for Easter egg hunting for the kids, a 45 minute drive away, and he didn't speak to me the whole time still. When we got home he locked himself in his room again and I haven't heard a peep.

How many months do I have to deal with like this because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and just WAIT to be ready to go...ugh.