How do I not lose my mind in the process of gathering enough evidence before I leave? How do I avoid slipping back when he plays with the kids and makes them happy? I know he's a bad father and I know the kids don't deserve to live with his constant flip-flopping back and forth between rage and then sweetness. But somehow he's got my mind so screwed up that when he plays with them and gives them attention I start to falter. I'm waiting to have a meeting with a legal advocate soon, I'm keeping a secret diary, I'm snapping pictures where I can...If I lose steam just because he's about to switch back to being fun and nice again temporarily, we're never gonna get out.

So how do I stop myself from slipping? And how do I stop having so much empathy for his struggles and stress? God, I want to get him help so bad, and I can't stop crying over how leaving and taking the kids away could break him. But I've fucking tried, and he doesn't want help, but I am able to help the kids if I work hard enough for it. They're the top priority. They deserve to feel safe and secure and never go hungry and never be afraid. I want to stop feeling empathy for my husband so planning to leave doesn't make me want to throw up all the time. But he doesn't even feel the way I'm imagining he does, right? Because if he felt the way I feel like he should feel then he'd actually bother to take responsibility and feel motivated to get help to be better?