I recognize that he has built so much control over me too, so it's not like I'm not an abuse target too, but...his main target when he's in a rage is our kids. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place...if I leave I think he'll fight for full custody, and I doubt I have enough evidence against him. He told me once that if we ever divorced he'd win full custody because I'm too crazy and too sickly to work. That's been permanently seared into my brain. Even though now I can finally believe he's wrong about me being too crazy, and I'm applying all over for work-from-home jobs to accommodate my chronic illness limitations. The implication behind those words, though, is that he'd fight me for full custody, even though he doesn't take care of them!

He won't feed them. He won't change a diaper or wipe a butt. I've been trapped here for years because I can't risk him taking them away and me not being there to protect and care for them. But ffs they're not protected enough with me here, either, because there's only so much I can do against him. I feel like I'm constantly failing them but I also am scared I can't leave unless I gather better evidence, but that would mean him hurting them again! How the hell could I possibly accept that as a necessary price to pay to prove to the court that I'm telling the truth and he's too dangerous to keep the kids?? I know how ruthless and evil he can be when he feels like someone has wronged him, and I can't bear that he'd go after the kids in his hate for me when I leave him.

I emailed a lawyer tonight. I don't have any money of my own, but at least I can get a free consultation, if I can sneak away to talk on the phone without raising suspicion. I hoped I could pawn my wedding ring set for quick cash but I got turned away, told to just sell on Facebook or something. I'm so tired. They're so young. How am I supposed to sleep at night when it takes so much fucking time and sneaking around before I can get them to safety?