So I've had an on again off again relationship for about four years with this man. Everything changed about a month ago when we were having a fight he got so mad as he walked past me sitting on the couch he pulled my hair. He seemed to feel genuinely remorseful and said it was the first time anything like this has ever happened. I do believe that because he is usually a very chill and quiet guy. Unfortunately I think that hair pulling incident changed something in him. I think he hates himself for letting it get to that point. I just learned he's apparently deciding to drink to cope with things. No idea when he started drinking or how much he's been drinking. If this is the first and only bottle or not. I didn't even see him pour it I just came into the kitchen and there was an empty liquor bottle on the counter. Needless to say don't know if it's the alcohol or not but things escalated that night. I'm not going to get into all of the relationship specifics but at one point he just snapped. He grabbed my ankles as I was laying on the sectional and then he just started wailing on me. Like a scene out of a movie with a guy at a punching bag but I was the human punching bag. He swung at me at least 3 times, started bitching under his breath and went into his bedroom. I've decided to press charges on him and just spoke to an officer last night. But because of his job as a security guard I'm worried about him losing his job. I know I know I'm not supposed to worry about him but I can't help it. I've never understood why someone would break a no contact order until now. I have so much guilt over contacting the police. I feel really guilty because he is a black man and up until now has no criminal record. He always prided himself on that and I feel like I'm ruining that for him. I just feel like I want to explain myself. Write him and explain that I love him very much but what he did was wrong. I just don't know what to do with myself or my time at night. We used to talk whenever he got home from work. Almost every day for four years at least probably more because we were friends first and talked for many years. I'm just realizing how quiet my nights are without talking to him. I wish things were different and it could just go back to normal. Like I could wake up from this bad dream and be in his arms again, safe and loved. I know that's not reality but it's just so hard. We were engaged and talking about having children and up until a month ago nothing has ever happened like this. I just feel so lost and guilty. I don't even know if this is the right place for me to vent but just thought it was worth a try. Thanks for reading this long winded mess lol