My wife has put her hands on me 3 times now. Once when she was heavily intoxicated, once when we got in a fight about me talking to someone she didn't like and then just today because I wanted to take MY CAR to see my parents and she wanted to take it to see her friend.

I love her but I feel so guilty loving her through what she says to me and does to me. Shaming me by taking videos of me existing and making fun of me when she's mad. Twisting the truth to make it seem like I'm the aggressor. Today she grabbed me and threw me out of our bedroom. She ripped a hug h9le in my shirt. I was on the ground and she later accused me of "flopping on the ground like a child" my foot was in the way of the door closing so she "curb stomped" my ankle until I moved it then closed and locked the door. Before this when I was just trying to talk to her calmly and rationally like an adult she was SCREAMING in my face the the po8nt I had spit on my face calling me a "cnt ass whre" "ugly ass tranny" (I'm a transwoman) and a number of other things. At one point i told her I'll leave you be but I need my phone from the room and I went to pick it up and she grabbed it and held it up and away from me like a classic bully does and then kept faking me out pretending to throw it at the wall.

She has BPD and I tend to lean into that explaining the behaviors but it's getting harder to do that. She has isolated me from all of the people I used to talk to. I used to be poly and she turned me mono cuz I let her. She is wonderful when she's not like this but when she's like this I want to just tell everyone or get her some help I don't even know at this point im mad at myself I should be stronger than this I should be able to get away but I cant! And I don't know why. So I'm sitting here typing this, sick to my stomach and wanting to cry so badly but I feel like I'm not allowed to cry. If I cry in front of her she makes fun of me. I'm scared I feel unloved, unwanted. I feel like I'll never get out of this.