Sakina, my gorgeous girl. My now ex husband and I drove over a hundred miles to collect her as an 8 wk old, we had been fostering rescues for several years at that point but had fallen in love when we saw her photo, one of 13 surprise pups to a mama rescued herself.

We adored her, never had a puppy been so loved. We lived in a village of chocolate box thatched cottages (Milton Abbas in Dorset, UK) and every day she had walks in gorgeous countryside, she made friends with a pony in a nearby field, and when we had to take in my parents elderly Great Dane, she made her act like a puppy again herself!

Every night Sakina would cuddle with me, wrapped around each other, until the bedside light was switched off and she went to bed. Since we first got her, I had always felt deep down that I wouldn't possibly be allowed to keep something so precious, and I'd always hold her tight, kiss her beautiful face and breathe in her sweet smell. She was absolutely incredible, my friends and family were amazed at how she was so connected with me, with just an eye signal she would run to cuddle next to me on the sofa, a soft voice could call her from across a field. We hunted together, as I fostered many dogs over her life and we fed raw food, she was a remarkable hunter with astounding control which we didn't even train!

When she was just 4 years old, my ex took her on a walk one night with his parents dogs, something which was a regular occurrence. Sakina was the fastest and loved to run, but this night it was pitch black. Despite being on land owned by my ex in-laws, a farmer had parked a tractor across the trail. Sakina was faster than the others and ran into it. The other dogs were the first to get to her, and it broke my heart to hear how they howled and cried until she was picked up and carried back home.

My ex called me and said they were en route to the emergency veterinary hospital, but that Sakina wasn't breathing and they were giving her CPR. Apparently she had a pulse at this time. I have never ever sped, or broken any traffic laws in my life, but I couldn't tell you how I got there so fast, I was screaming and praying, begging God to please save my little girl, that I'd do anything if she was ok.

The minute I got to the hospital a staff member came out and said that she was gone, they couldn't save her because she'd broken her neck. I pretty much collapsed, screaming that they were lying, that they hadn't tried hard enough, I remember my ex husband catching me as I fell. I was still sobbing as they brought us to see her, I put my arms around her the same way we always fell asleep together. I asked if they'd made a mistake, because she was still so soft and warm, her beautiful golden brown eyes still so THERE.

I don't really remember much else of that awful night, or the weekend that followed. They gave us back her collar, a custom made leather inset with beaten silver and turquoise we'd had made for her second birthday - I still have it, and have one of the gems made into a necklace so I feel she's always with me. We immediately asked that she was cremated and that her ashes were given to us in the most beautiful urn they had. Again, I don't remember much of this, my grief was all consuming.

The most painful thing happened a few days later, I needed to call the vet hospital to pay our bill, and when I asked when I could collect her ashes the person I spoke to was extremely dismissive, and told me that Sakina was in the freezer, and that they don't touch or know when the 'animals' are taken for disposal. Every word of that conversation will stay with me forever, that was my BABY she was talking about, referring to her like something to be disposed of! Subsequently, I found out that the day staff were from a different company to the night/emergency staff, and the latter were far more caring. We ensured that when we visited to settle our account it was after hours, and had brought a huge selection of handmade sweets and chocolates for the night staff along with a thank you note.

Little less than a week later it was time to go and collect Sakina's ashes. I had to go alone as my ex was working abroad at that time. The guy who gave them to me told me that the nurses had remarked that she had been so obviously loved, her fur so silky and sweet smelling, and her teeth clean bright white. He told me that this was just a step on the way to getting over her death, that he believed we would be reunited one day. It didn't help to be honest, I sat in the car park hugging the urn and crying, I was in no way able to drive for a long time, and I remember seeing the nurse watching me from the window, probably checking that I wasn't going to attempt driving until I'd calmed down!

Unfortunately, Sakina's death seemed to also be the killing blow to my marriage. Although we tried, and both acknowledged that we needed to comfort each other over her loss, I was never able to completely forgive him for letting her run that night. Logically, it made no sense. Sakina hadn't needed a lead past around 1yr old, she was incredibly well behaved and would either stick to us like glue, or recall instantly. I knew it was the fault of the zero visibility, coupled with the farmer illegally parked on our family land, but the wrenching pain, the agony of losing her, tore us apart. It damaged me hugely, I have vague memories of the week following her death being at church (I was at that time very religious, having bible study several times a week) and running out having a near panic attack because they were talking about reuniting with loved ones in heaven, but the scripture quoted implied that pets wouldn't be there, instead the feeling of losing them would be taken away. I didn't, and still don't, ever want to be in an afterlife without my dogs - if there is no reunion with my beloved girls, then I would rather just have nothing at all.

Sakina was a Deerhound/GSD, and we got a Deerhound/Saluki pup about 6 months after her death, the first dog either of us had bought rather than adopted from a rescue or had as a failed foster. Lyra was beautiful, very sweet, much adored by us, but the pain didn't lessen nearly as much as I thought it would. My ex and I divorced, and because I had to move to a tiny flat and he was out of the country so much for work, we had to rehome her. Thankfully, she's now with a perfect family and has a huge garden to run around in, it's even got a stream running through it! Her new mama works from home, and the family have a second home in Norway so Lyra has lots of attention, room to run free, and lots of love, a far better life than I could have given her in my current circumstances.

I know this is a ridiculously long post and I apologise. It's now been over a decade since Sakina died and despite knowing that by now, even if she had been able to have a natural lifespan she'd have passed by now, I still dream about her and wake up crying. I have framed photos of her in every room in my home, I still have her collar, and her tiny pink baby puppy collar, her first toys, her little milk teeth. I haven’t been able to scatter her ashes either, my heart literally lurches thinking about letting all I have left of her go. The closest I've been able to think about it is getting her ashes turned into a diamond, it seems fitting as she's been without a doubt the most precious thing, the most pure love, I've been lucky enough to have in my life, even though I was only allowed a few short years with her.

I don't know how to get over her loss. It's been 10 years and the pain is still so raw. I feel like I'm cursed, I've never been lucky enough to have my own dog for more than 4 years, when I still lived with my parents my first dog, Purdy, died of leukaemia aged 6 (we adopted her at 18 months), our Great Dane, Floss, we adopted from a Dane rescue at around 8yrs old and developed bone cancer about 3yrs after we got her. I've fostered and rehomed around 25 pups since I was 18, dogs have been the greatest passion in my life, but although the many I've been able to find wonderful families for have had great lives, it seems like I'm never going to have my own happy ending. Losing Sakina was the worst pain I have ever felt, and sometimes I wonder whether I am able to risk that pain again, I'd love to foster again but I'm terrified of falling in love, and suffering another heartbreak.

I'll put a photo of my darling girl in the comments, there's a video of her on YouTube, but it's too painful for me to look at.

Sakina running https://imgur.com/gallery/uvob3kp