Player for this one. Our first real campaign in 5e (which will be relevant) after a failed start with another campaign. This one takes place in a homebrewed setting of the Innistrad plane from Magic: The Gathering.

The DM made it clear early on that there was a countdown to something that would happen late game. He keep a row of d20s in front of the screen and would periodically add or subtract from them to show that our actions affected this countdown. Mind you, we had no clue what this event would be and had no indication how our actions actually affected this.

So, we’re following the trail of some necromantic alchemist (an actual MTG character but I stopped playing MTG long ago before this guy came along so I don’t remember his name). Anyway, we track down this guy’s workshop outside a town (having like a dozen d20s left in our countdown) and as we approach to check the place out, the DM suddenly scoops up all the d20s to indicate we just triggered the ending event and described a gigantic creature called a grave titan rising from the ground. He makes it clear we can’t kill it ourselves.

So, we jump in our stupidly overpowered airship and fly away to do some research. We find out that we have to find a creature called a sun titan, which is the only thing that can kill the grave titan. Okay...cool? So we plane hop a couple times and even go to a world that’s essentially a massive library to find info. We talk to some of the most powerful creatures in the multiverse and none know where to find one of these sun titans.

Fast forward and the grave titan is approaching whatever bullshit destination would bring about the end of the world and we have no choice but to face him. We hop in our stupid ass airship and our DM says we can do some modifications with the on board magic robots to install better weaponry. We spend the majority of the session quickly saying what we want to do and then the DM saying what he would do in detail. I finally say “just put the fireball cannon you want on there and let us play the game.” The cannon can shoot several miles and does stupid damage, by the way, but this DM really likes to make incredibly overpowered stuff (just wait and see).

So, we see torches and campfires from thousands of troops in an enemy army. I say, “cool, we’ll hang back and just kill them all from miles away with our cannon.” DM says, “you sure you don’t want to try to sneak past them?” I say, “no, we’re silhouetted and they’ll see us. I want to just kill them all and not have to worry about them in the first place.” So we fireball kill them all with our stupid ass cannon. That’s what you get for putting the thing on our airship.

Fast forward to the final fight(s). Our party is killing a former party member turned mutated monster who is not the actual BBEG but is aligned with him. As soon as this fight begins the DM cuts to a fight occurring on top of the grave titan’s head. He hands us character sheets for each of the members of a party we met earlier in the campaign. These are all just created to fulfill his need to create characters he thinks are cool. He has us play them in the fight against the necro-alchemist on top of the grave titan’s head. Remember back when I said this was our first real campaign in 5e? Well, we’ve never played any of these classes in 5e before so the fight goes incredibly slow as we have to learn the classes during the battle.

We defeat the necro-alchemist dude with the NPC party after a slow, boring fight filled with flipping through PHBs the whole time. He cuts back to our actual party and we quickly defeat our former party member because we have abilities that locked him down the entire short fight. But now we have to figure out how to kill the grave titan! Have no fear—even though our weapons do no damage to him at all, an NPC is able to bamf in with a sword that can cut through anything. Does this kill the grave titan?

You may be thinking yes because that’s where this horror story is going but you’d be wrong. No, he just cuts the grave titan’s feet in half with his absurd sword. To kill, this NPC reaches into his bag of holding, grabs his deck of many things and “randomly” summons a sun titan from the deck to defeat the grave titan. Cue us telling the DM how cool he is for being able to defeat his own creation, we all get full back tattoos of his face, and we sire many children solely to name them after the DM.

TL;DR: DM could have just physically masturbated and had us watch instead of doing it mentally.