This one is a bit hard to verbalize. So take some of my terms loosely as I try to find nuances here.

Ok this is a question for both secure types as well as for DAs who either lean secure, or at the least can grasp the concepts of relating to people in a healthier way.

I’m going to write this post from the context of close/romantic relationships — Since I’ve learned about attachment theory I’ve looked back on my life and have realized all of my ex partners were anxious and they unknowingly helped fuel and strengthen my dismissive nature. Meaning: I had no idea how to communicate, I’d shut down and leave. Before long, I’d be bombarded with calls and texts begging me back. I would use that to show myself how much they “like me/care” and the more insistent they were, the more likely I was to return and resume things. I spent my young adult life thinking that this sort of behavior from an anxious partner was what a woman needed to show me to prove she loved me. And I believed there was nothing wrong with me shutting down and being dismissive, because this is how it seemed to need to be. Ffwd to now: I see this was so unhealthy and sick, on both ends.

After a lot of learning, and analyzing, over the years, I’ve realized I avoid because (1) I did not have the tools or understanding in regard to communicating/understand boundaries and my needs (2) I did not have the tools to deal with my own emotional distress, let alone a partners. It’s unpredictable, it feels heavy, I shut down. I retreat. They beg and beg and beg. I come back. Rinse and repeat. I’m sure many of you can relate to this

I’ve worked on myself a lot and now I’m in a new situation where a woman I’m involved with pulled way back from me (ETA for clarity: she ended things but resurfaced). Things were going really well for a year, I felt ok to be vulnerable, communicate, and be there for her emotional needs. I would say she’s secure and that helped me be more secure as well. However, she had made me aware that lately I didn’t feel safe for her emotionally because I was being dismissive when she had come to me. Fine. That’s fair. I was becoming overwhelmed and I suppose my resources were drained and i used some poor coping mechanisms to handle things. I understand that healing isn’t completely linear and it’s ok to fall sometimes. I’m still happy about the progress I have made

With that said, I’m at a point I can’t make complete sense of: she’s been quiet. (ETA for clarity, I apologized. Eventually she started speaking to me again but it’s sparse). She has verbalized she misses me, but she’s not having any sort of the anxious spirals I’m used to from the other party. She’s not calling 50 times in a row or emotionally dysregulating. She’s simply used her words. My “data” is FUBAR’d. I know my previous data sheet is bad, the one where “how dysregulated is she? That means she really likes me!” is obviously flawed, unusable, BS, etc. So then how do I assess situations now? It’s almost like I don’t understand what a “healthy quiet” is vs “disinterest”.

In my personal situation, I’ve hurt her. I understand that people with healthy boundaries would step back, which she’s done. But now that she’s speaking to me again, I find myself confused: she only makes contact with me maybe once every 4-6 days (we’d talk daily, in comparison), is this a lack of interest, or is this what “secure behavior” can present as? (ETA for clarity: if she’s not doing things out of anxiety, it would make sense she’s being careful and taking her time)

TL;DR: I’m used to a melt down from the other side during conflict, and have used that behavior for so long to “prove” to myself it was an external sign of the woman’s interest in me. When someone is more secure and doesn’t engage in those behaviors, how do you determine difference between healthy boundaries/secure behavior or a lack of interest