I don’t understand my dating pattern and I really want to break out of it. A little context - I spent the first 24 years of my life thinking I was straight, because to me there was no other option, to be gay seemed to equal some form of abandonment or death to me at a subconscious level. I dated men like I was “supposed to” from age 13-24. I was in a 4 year long relationship with a man when the fact I probably could have feelings for women more than men hit me like a ton of bricks one day and after a year of inner torture, I finally broke up with my boyfriend and came out. I immediately had some infatuations with very unavailable women (both were engaged to other people and only one showed any interest in me). Every woman i have actually tried to date who was willing to date me back in the past 12 years I have not developed feelings for. I would see some potential with them and hope feelings would grow, but then 1-3 months in, like clockwork, I’d get hit by terror and my body would be in knots and I’d push them away til we broke up. Sometimes we’d continue hooking up because once we broke up, I was free of the pressure. But no strong feelings beyond fondness (which is what I got for my last boyfriend) would develop.

I’ve now been dating someone for about 6 months. I like them a lot as a friend, but I can’t tell if there’s other feelings there. I self regulated through the worst of the terror at about 4 months (we’ve been taking things slower so I think it took longer for it to set in.) sometimes I think I’m attracted enough, but other times I don’t. I think if we broke up and I saw them on the street I’d think, that person is fine, why didn’t I think I was attracted to them? But I for sure don’t feel like I’m “falling in love.” My friend told me I’m probably a part of their pattern of dating unavailable people and that I’m hopeless. And I feel so bad. I hate feeling like the villain when I’m dating, but I always end up in this position. I don’t know what to do. My therapist said there’s nothing wrong with hanging out and seeing if feelings develop. She’s been in practice and done couples counseling for decades. I want to believe her, but I feel like a monster. My friends keep asking how things are going with the person I’m seeing and when I tell them I don’t know if I have any feelings, they look at me like a freak. But I can’t lie anymore because that’s how I used to be when I was pretending to be straight.

I can’t tell if I’m dating people I’m unattracted to because that’s what I’m used to doing from forcing myself to date men, or if I’m just avoidant and would feel this way about pretty much anyone who liked me back. Anyone have any kind of similar experiences?